chol hamoed and the single

Chol hamoed is once upon on us and with it all the usual question. What are your plans? I have worked hard over the years to make chol hamoed into a week of no expectations. Rather than focus on the lack of companions with whom to do activities I view it as any other day, spent relaxing and maybe including an outdoor activity. But as much as ive made peace with it the questions still manage to bring me down. Brought on simply as a topic of conversation the questioner does not realize the hurt they are bringing up. So as I attempt to get through this week of questioning and loneliness I hope it will somehow make me stronger. And better equipped to handle the upcoming question- what are your summer plans?

too late

Sometimes it just feels too late. That what others don’t seem to get. They still think theres hope, it can happen, you never know. And that may be true. But also true is the fact that even if it does come, its coming close to twenty years too late. Yes I may get married. Iyh I hope to someday have kids. But I will never have my youth back. will never be a young mother, chasing her kids. Will never have the luxury of bringing my kids to my parents. Will never look at anything with the same fresh attitude as a young wife in her twenties. Can happiness still come? Yes. Will it be great and perhaps even better than for some who married young? Absolutely. But the fervent hope that things may change for me does nothing to undo the years of hurt that I have endured.

pesach ponderings

Its all been said. Pesach brings a certain feeling of helplessness but when I try to put it into words this year it just feels old. I want to kick and scream but nothing has changed or seems like it will. I want to vent and tell the world what its like but its all been put out there already. And it just seems like a waste to repeat. So I put on a smile and face the world and know that this too shall pass.

the sound of silence

I have friend, id even say lots of friends. Friends I can call to chat, friends who can call for a favor. Friends to hang out with, friends to laugh with. But the friend I seem to be missing most is the one who calls to see how I am. Not just to shoot the breeze but to really see how im feeling. Sure, I can call any number of friends and say I need to talk, but sometimes that’s not what I need. What I need is for the call to be incoming, for the phone to ring, to break the silence and let me know someone cares.

playing the game

Its like participating in a kids ball game, players slowly being called to a team. Leaving the group in the field. One by one they walk away to begin a new life, to create a family. The ones in the field look on in a combination of fear and envy, waiting to be chosen, wondering when and if their turn will come. The time passes them by, at times crawling past at an incredible slow snails pace. Other times it flies right by, the years feel like minutes, accomplishing so much yet so much stays the same.

She has completed her education, excelled in her field of work. She’s traveled the world, has stories of adventure and excitement. Yet all she craves is the mundane life her friends lead. She dreams of the day she too will come home from work to a full load of work still waiting. Days when she will have to juggle dinner and bath time and PTA.

She goes to shiurim, is involved in chesed, babysits her nieces and nephews. Yet she struggles with the questions. What is her tafkid? How can this be all- wasn’t she training her whole life towards a life of raising jewish children? what happened to that dream? She is forced to relearn the dream. To reevaluate priorities, to make do with a new reality. Yet a small voice inside still hopes that one day the original plan can still be hers.

contrast

Arriving home after a long day at work, she rushes in to put up dinner before the kids get home.
Arriving home after a long day of work she is greeted by the silence of her apartment.
One by one they get off the bus, eager to tell her about their day, interrupting each other to fill her in on the schools excitement.
She puts down her bag, and grabs a snack, making a quick phone call to check in with her parents.
She tries to get them started on their homework, but all too soon is inundated with complaints of hunger. Dinner is a noisy event, leaving her head pounding and the sink filled with dishes.
She reads a couple of chapters in her book, unwinding from the stresses of her workday.
She eventually gets up and rummages through the fridge, finding some form of protein and some vegetables. Close enough to resemble a well balanced meal. She absentmindedly skims the newspaper while swallowing the food.
Bathtime is finally over and then its time to start the bedtime routine. She starts with the
younger ones then makes her way up to the older ones. Tantrums and cries of thirst are all part of the program.
She’s checked her mail, her email and spoken to a few friends. She checks her clock. 8pm. Still too early for bed.
Finally the house is silent. The peacefulness teases her, begs her to relax. But the dishes must be done and lunches made.
She wastes some time online, but when she next checks its still only 9.
A few more household chores, a call from a teacher and rearranging carpool for next week. Before she knows it its 11pm, and she falls into bed, unable to move a limb. Her last thought before falling asleep is “I wish I had more time”
Her last thought before falling asleep is “I wish I had more to do with my time”.

orphaned

Although it’s always sad when a parent passes away, leaving children behind, I always felt a special sadness when I heard of an older single losing a parent. If the parent left behind children that were under 18 for example, it’s understandable that the parent would not be present in so many future events. But when a 26 or 34 year old loses a parent its painful that they miss out on what should have taken place years before. And unfortunately the cases of this happening kept increasing. stories I heard or singles I knew. Until it was me. And here I am trying to make sense of it all. All those years of being told “don’t worry you will get married” and now knowing that if I do it will be without my mother at my side. And that is just a senseless tragedy in my mind.

chanukah

While out to lunch with a friend last week she mentioned that a certain single guy told her that Chanukah is a depressing yomtov for singles. I laughed it off. Simchas torah, I can hear- all your friends dancing with their kids while you look on. Pesach, its hard to believe you are spending another pesach seder at the parents still single. Rosh Hashana means another year has gone by without the hoped for changes. But Chanukah? I didn’t buy it. Its not a very intrusive holiday. You go to work as usual and when you get home you light some candles. Not much room for depression I said.
And then the first night of Chanukah came. I pulled up to my house just as all the neighbors were gathering around their windows, lighting menorahs with their small children. I sat in the car watching, envious of them all And then I went inside to light my candles alone.

its not over til the fat girl cries

Her days are filled with chesed
She’s called on in times of need
She visits the sick and lonely
The hungry she does feed

She drives them to their appts
To the hospitals and back
She helps the teens at risk
To get them back on track

The neighbors all know they can call
Any time- morning or night
Her friends are driven to the airport
So they can catch their flight

Her siblings all call on her
When they need her she is there
her nieces phone her in distress
For help with clothing or hair

For everyone around her
Shes the go-to one
For any type of pick me up
Or just to have some fun

Yet when it comes to shidduchim
Here’s what she has found
None of this is important
If you gained an extra pound

You can be the top girl all around
With all the proper stuff
Yet if you are not thin, a perfect size 6
The rest is not enough

summer bbq

A friend told me of the bbq she and her husband were going to be making for some friends. I’d invite you she said but I think you’d feel uncomfortable as the only single. I just nodded to end the conversation. In truth her comment was what made me uncomfortable as it made me see that SHE was the one who’d be uncomfortable were i to attend. I have no issue being surrounded by my married peers. My nearest and dearest are married and I love spending time with them. There is no akwardness on my end. The only thing that can make it uncomfortable is the friend who looks at my identity as a single and sees me as nothing more. She can’t see what I’d contribute to her gathering, only what my status in life represents. And for some reason THAT makes HER uncomfortable.

sunny days

spring has finally sprung. as i sat in my apt today i listened to the sounds that nice weather brings. the kids were out playing, the parents watching them began to socialize. good cheer was all around. except... the singles felt the change of weather as another season without change. with no children to watch there seemed no reason to be outdoors. with no partner with whom to socialize the park seemed a depressing place. so i called a friend to come play scrabble. we found our own peace and had a nice day after all

shabbos as a single

Most people dread Mondays. They are psyching up all week towards the weekend and on Monday their mini vacation must come to an end. For me, and many like me, Thursday is my Monday. It is looked at with dread. For me Thursday has come to mean the last chance to make shabbos plans. As the week moves on the dread gets stronger and stronger. What will I do this shabbos? Where will I be? Where will I be the most comfortable? Or should I just go with the least uncomfortable? Some weeks come easy, invitations come well in advance and they are the ones which seem worth accepting. During other weeks it seems like there will be no plans at all. And sometimes it seems that staying home alone may be the better alternative to accepting invitations.
There are always outsiders offering their opinion (like with everything in life). Their take is usually against staying home citing reasons such as it being depressing. But are they offering another option? The longer I am single and the more weekends that come without plans, the less energy I have to make things right. I’ve been advised against “getting used to it” but at times I see no other choice. I’d rather sit home in my non-shabbos environment than face the degradation involved in calling to self-invite. Of course, these well meaning friends who I self invite to are the ones who “open their homes” and let us all know that we are always welcome and to just let them know when we want to come. At times this works well, but that depends on the friendship, the family situation and if the host has first invited in the traditional way. As a rule I do not call to invite myself over if I have never been there before. But if someone constantly extends invitations then I know they really mean it. I also see a trend that those who only offer open invitations usually have an excuse when i finally call. Is the open invitation just a way for them to assuage their own guilt? does it make them feel giving without having to actually give?
Then there is the question of why they are inviting me. Do they see my need and therefore invite me (which makes me feel pretty pathetic yet I am grateful that at least they do that). Or do they invite me for what I have to offer. Am I wanted for my charming personality or for their guilty conscience? That is the question.

hubby sharing

Is anyone happy with where they are in life? Singles can’t wait to trade in their “independence” for a joint life. Yet the married women I speak to yearn for some time for themselves, time away. The childless women ache for a baby while my friends who are mothers are overwhelmed by their lot. It seems like we can’t wait to get to the next level in life but when we do we look back at the last one with envy. I appreciate that I do have a certain sense of freedom which my friends may not have but at the same time they have a sense of security that I lack.
I was thinking this over while driving and suddenly the perfect solution came to me. As with many new ideas it is actually regressing. Let’s go back to multiple wives. It satisfies every aspect of these issues. The singles have more opportunities for marriage. By adding the married men to the eligible pool more singles can find their mates. And if the wives viewed these “other wives” as team players rather than competition then their own lives can be simplified by it. Want the benefits of marriage without the constant stresses? Who wouldn’t? Now when one wife needs “time off” the other one can stand in. Take a week off from cooking and cleaning and know that your family is still being taken care of. And even child rearing can be viewed as a shared venture.
Finally! Motherhood is an institution that can offer benefits such as vacation time or leave of absence. And the best part is they will have to hold your position indefinitely.
Be a team player, send your husband on a date!!!