reactions

The alcoholic always goes back
To the drink that makes it all good
The overeater always continues
eating all he could

The druggy will continue
The drugs he will still use
The shopper will use her charge card
To buy just one more pair of shoes

Everyone has their methods
Of how to cope with stress
The thing they always fall back on
When life seems such a mess

For the jew it is much simpler
If you’re trained in younger years
To always turn to your siddur
And drench it with your tears

The practice that you choose
Will continue when you’re old
To help you through the rough times
When the world is feeling cold

It’s important to remember
Change doesn’t happen overnight
We must try and try to train ourselves
It is a constant fight

But soon the day will come
When the answer seems so clear
When we know how to react
To the things we can not bear

When it will seem so natural
To turn to the one above
And instead of temporary relief
He”ll answer us with love

its not over til the fat girl cries

Her days are filled with chesed
She’s called on in times of need
She visits the sick and lonely
The hungry she does feed

She drives them to their appts
To the hospitals and back
She helps the teens at risk
To get them back on track

The neighbors all know they can call
Any time- morning or night
Her friends are driven to the airport
So they can catch their flight

Her siblings all call on her
When they need her she is there
her nieces phone her in distress
For help with clothing or hair

For everyone around her
Shes the go-to one
For any type of pick me up
Or just to have some fun

Yet when it comes to shidduchim
Here’s what she has found
None of this is important
If you gained an extra pound

You can be the top girl all around
With all the proper stuff
Yet if you are not thin, a perfect size 6
The rest is not enough

life wasted

I just spent hours in front of the computer, as I do every night. Checking email (still none) watching movies. In short wasting time. But I am not sure what else I am supposed to do with my time. I come home from work with hours to go until bedtime and am not sure how to better spend my nights. I tried signing up for a continuing education class but that ended badly. Turns out that sometimes doing things alone is worse than not doing anything. So I am back to sitting and wasting my life away. One night at a time.

:(

Haven’t been on a date in months. Haven’t even spoken to a male in months. I know the reality is that it may be a lot longer until that changes. Therefore when someone mentioned to me that she deals with shidduchim I didn’t automatically leap at the chance to discuss my inner feelings with her- my facts along with my likes and dislikes. Especially since I remembered having a similar conversation with her 2 years ago. I know these well meaning women are only trying to help and that they think a “resume” is the answer to everything but I am just too jaded to believe.

yom kippur

I walked into shul not knowing anyone. My neighbor had promised to tell someone I was coming but I had no expectations. Then, from across the room a woman mouthed- are you ruthies neighbor? Yes, im shani I mouthed back. I’m sarah she replied with a smile. We each went back to davening but within 5 minutes my fantasies had me as a weekly guest at her shabbos table, and her family making my shidduch. A few minutes later there was a break while we waited for maariv to start. I tried catching her eye but couldn’t and finally went back to my davening.

losing friends

I lost a friend a few years ago. Not sure how or why. One day i was involved in her life, suddenly she had moved away without even letting me know. I found out her number from a mutual friend and left multiple messages. I gave up for a while assuming she was busy but upon hearing she had a baby I left yet another message. At that point I was ready to give up but for some reason I said id give it one more try. This time I actually reached her and had the most distracted phone call. Finally I gave up. I had tried more than enough times and she was clearly not interested. This hurt- I had been with her through more than one hardship in her life, and had spent many a meal at her table. I knew her kids well and had watched them when her parent died and she was sitting shiva. Since then I bumped into her on YT and I kept the conversation short. I heard through another friend that she would call her from time to time, invite her to come for a visit. This was hurtful as I had invested much in this friendship yet I saw I was not the one she took the time to call. I recently met her and was once again civil and then walked away while she and my friend continued to talk. Today, being erev yom kippur I suddenly decided to ask mechila. For what I am not sure. Upon calling she said no, I though you were upset at me. I explained that having tried more than my share to reach out I took a step back. She defended herself with explaining that she had a lot going on at that time. I hung up and burst into tears. Not exactly sure why. But I am tired of friends backing away for long periods of time only to say later they were “busy”. I’ve heard it all- pregnancies, illness in the family, tragedies in the family, moves etc. and I understand that these things take up time. And you might not even want to talk about it. But just call back and say, now is not a good time. And call back when it is.

rant

Earlier in the summer 3 of my friends went on vacation. Upon hearing of their plans I was hurt that I was not informed or included. I decided to say something to one of them and that clearly changed our friendship. She ignored me for the next week or so after which time we began to once again keep in touch but it was every few weeks or so rather than every few days. I also stopped having any expectations of her and did not initiate any plans.
Tonight this friend emailed and called me to try to make shabbos plans. Although I have options to choose from already I was ready to include her in my plans as I would hate for her to not have where to go. Towards the end of the conversation she mentioned that she had once again gone away with the other friend. This leads me to a couple of questions: a. am I so horrible to spend time with and b.how dare she come to me for plans when I am clearly not wanted in hers?
I am hurt and upset.