chol hamoed and the single

Chol hamoed is once upon on us and with it all the usual question. What are your plans? I have worked hard over the years to make chol hamoed into a week of no expectations. Rather than focus on the lack of companions with whom to do activities I view it as any other day, spent relaxing and maybe including an outdoor activity. But as much as ive made peace with it the questions still manage to bring me down. Brought on simply as a topic of conversation the questioner does not realize the hurt they are bringing up. So as I attempt to get through this week of questioning and loneliness I hope it will somehow make me stronger. And better equipped to handle the upcoming question- what are your summer plans?

too late

Sometimes it just feels too late. That what others don’t seem to get. They still think theres hope, it can happen, you never know. And that may be true. But also true is the fact that even if it does come, its coming close to twenty years too late. Yes I may get married. Iyh I hope to someday have kids. But I will never have my youth back. will never be a young mother, chasing her kids. Will never have the luxury of bringing my kids to my parents. Will never look at anything with the same fresh attitude as a young wife in her twenties. Can happiness still come? Yes. Will it be great and perhaps even better than for some who married young? Absolutely. But the fervent hope that things may change for me does nothing to undo the years of hurt that I have endured.

I am now being set up with a piece of paper. Gone are the days of phone calls where someone met a nice boy and thought of me. Actually meeting the person before setting him up is a thing of the past. Now the callers excitedly tell me about how nice the guy appears on his resume. More often than not I can explain why they are wrong, not about his niceness but about the whole impression they misread about the person. Apparently there are individuals who take it upon themselves to send out emails of resumes by the masses. Upon reading these my sisters or other well meaning friends will call me in excitement, sure they have found my bashert based on a piece of paper. and when i do not share their excitement they shake their heads in disapproval, dismayed over my pickiness.

name calling

I just read yet another article on the shidduch crisis. This one dealt with the misplaced priorities of the singles. It mocked the silly expectations and it praised the married couple for having made the obviously right choices. Basically the article had a very judgemental tone to it. Which many of these seemingly advisory essays seem to. The issue I have with such thoughts is that it doesn’t view the more blatant issue at hand which is that most of the singles I know don’t even have a chance to meet anyone, let alone make smart or silly choices. When ive had one date in two years I really don’t think I can be labeled as picky for not marrying all one of them. Who consequently rejected me. And sure we have all turned down opportunities at dates but who can really decide what baggage the single can live with better than the single themselves. So stop the namecalling and start setting up singles with legitimate ideas for dates and maybe then you will be in a position to give advice. Maybe.

playing the game

Its like participating in a kids ball game, players slowly being called to a team. Leaving the group in the field. One by one they walk away to begin a new life, to create a family. The ones in the field look on in a combination of fear and envy, waiting to be chosen, wondering when and if their turn will come. The time passes them by, at times crawling past at an incredible slow snails pace. Other times it flies right by, the years feel like minutes, accomplishing so much yet so much stays the same.

She has completed her education, excelled in her field of work. She’s traveled the world, has stories of adventure and excitement. Yet all she craves is the mundane life her friends lead. She dreams of the day she too will come home from work to a full load of work still waiting. Days when she will have to juggle dinner and bath time and PTA.

She goes to shiurim, is involved in chesed, babysits her nieces and nephews. Yet she struggles with the questions. What is her tafkid? How can this be all- wasn’t she training her whole life towards a life of raising jewish children? what happened to that dream? She is forced to relearn the dream. To reevaluate priorities, to make do with a new reality. Yet a small voice inside still hopes that one day the original plan can still be hers.

chanuka musings

Chanuka is almost over and still I am reflecting on the story. The Greeks were known to celebrate the body. Beauty and strength were considered the most admirable traits. Gymnasiums were the creation and pride of the Greeks. As a child learning this in school it was laughable. Why would someone care so much about these attributes. Yet as an adult I see our own culture mimicking that of the Greeks. Women are chosen for their beauty and shape. It is considered an ultimate accomplishment to spend hours at the gym. New jewish running networks are cropping up and organizations are using marathons and cycling events as fundraisers. i have a hard time making peace with what appears to me to be such diverse tendencies. To live a torah life may mean to take care of the body and appear to others as a regal image of God but it does not mean making a life of physicality. When look become the ultimate goal, they get in the way of being oved Hashem properly. The skirts get shorter and tighter, other things fall to the wayside. And sooner or later we are living like the Greeks. Ki archa lanu hayeshua- we are waiting so damn long. Let’s not get further entrenched in the galus. Let’s make our creator proud so he can finally put an end to all our suffering.

chanukah

While out to lunch with a friend last week she mentioned that a certain single guy told her that Chanukah is a depressing yomtov for singles. I laughed it off. Simchas torah, I can hear- all your friends dancing with their kids while you look on. Pesach, its hard to believe you are spending another pesach seder at the parents still single. Rosh Hashana means another year has gone by without the hoped for changes. But Chanukah? I didn’t buy it. Its not a very intrusive holiday. You go to work as usual and when you get home you light some candles. Not much room for depression I said.
And then the first night of Chanukah came. I pulled up to my house just as all the neighbors were gathering around their windows, lighting menorahs with their small children. I sat in the car watching, envious of them all And then I went inside to light my candles alone.

its not over til the fat girl cries

Her days are filled with chesed
She’s called on in times of need
She visits the sick and lonely
The hungry she does feed

She drives them to their appts
To the hospitals and back
She helps the teens at risk
To get them back on track

The neighbors all know they can call
Any time- morning or night
Her friends are driven to the airport
So they can catch their flight

Her siblings all call on her
When they need her she is there
her nieces phone her in distress
For help with clothing or hair

For everyone around her
Shes the go-to one
For any type of pick me up
Or just to have some fun

Yet when it comes to shidduchim
Here’s what she has found
None of this is important
If you gained an extra pound

You can be the top girl all around
With all the proper stuff
Yet if you are not thin, a perfect size 6
The rest is not enough

singles events- take 2

Singles events have ruined it for the singles. Whereas before both male and females had to go on formal dates, be on their best behavior, and slowly get to know one another, they are now constantly meeting one another at informal events. Alcohol is served, the atmosphere is relaxed and the singles are becoming more and more comfortable with each other. Gone is the middle-man telling them how to proceed, gone is the nerves of not knowing where the other one stands. Instead what is left is a group of 30+ singles who all “know each other well” yet are not able to date and take that relationship further. Guys are bringing girls their coffee shabbos morning in hotels, yet they are “just friends”. Girls are able to get in touch with loads of men through facebook but have not been on a marriage minded date in months. Men with good reputations in the yeshivish circles have girlfriends for months. Girls are drinking alcoholic beverages and flirting in ways that would scare their parents and former teachers.
Boundaries are being overstepped that never would have happened in the past. Rabbanim give their approval to these events but I wonder if they really know what goes on at them. Men are exposed to modes of dress they may not have seen when only on shidduch dates. This not so tznius look appeals to them and they begin to look at the tznius girls as dowdy and outdated. The single girls realize that they must begin to dress to lure in the guy and they let down their guard. Once their dress has been compromised their behavior is at stake. The stories I have heard of what goes on between singles should be chilling to any frum jew, yet at this point they are no longer shocking. Ten years ago the thought of being ov'er on negiah was unbelievable. Yet today I overhear conversations of singles going to the mikvah. (and those are the ones who are somewhat within the realm of halacha)
As an older single I thank those who are trying to find new solutions to what has been termed the shidduch crisis. Yet I beg of you to stop these events and go back to the old fashioned way of redding shidduchim.

grade school lessons

When I was in grade school we had a monthly assembly where two awards were given to students from each class. One was for middos and one was for davening. Month after month I aimed for an award, waiting to hear my name announced to the school. Although I was always a fairly well behaved kid, towards the time of the assembly I especially made an effort to appear to concentrate better on my prayers or to behave extra fine. But slowly the months passed as did the years and I never once received the award. It was a simple photocopy pasted on a sheet of colored paper, but I coveted it as if it were of great value.
Fast forward many many years. Somehow I am still bothered by this story. I blame the teachers for not seeing that all kids need to receive that extra attention. I blame the school for thinking they hold the power to decide who has proper middos, who has proper kavana. Yet recently I started to think of this story a little differently. Maybe it was merely preparing me for life. Here I am, older and single. Waiting to be “good enough”. I do chessed, I daven extra, I go to shiurim. And part of me is still waiting for someone to say- you deserve an award. This time I am hoping someone will notice my goodness and have a shidduch for me, a little more valuable than that sheet of paper. But the lesson I have learned is the same as the one in my grade school story. It is not up to others to decide what I deserve, who is doing enough, who is davening correctly. I do what I do because Hashem wants me to. And Hhe is the only One who can properly reward me.

shabbos as a single

Most people dread Mondays. They are psyching up all week towards the weekend and on Monday their mini vacation must come to an end. For me, and many like me, Thursday is my Monday. It is looked at with dread. For me Thursday has come to mean the last chance to make shabbos plans. As the week moves on the dread gets stronger and stronger. What will I do this shabbos? Where will I be? Where will I be the most comfortable? Or should I just go with the least uncomfortable? Some weeks come easy, invitations come well in advance and they are the ones which seem worth accepting. During other weeks it seems like there will be no plans at all. And sometimes it seems that staying home alone may be the better alternative to accepting invitations.
There are always outsiders offering their opinion (like with everything in life). Their take is usually against staying home citing reasons such as it being depressing. But are they offering another option? The longer I am single and the more weekends that come without plans, the less energy I have to make things right. I’ve been advised against “getting used to it” but at times I see no other choice. I’d rather sit home in my non-shabbos environment than face the degradation involved in calling to self-invite. Of course, these well meaning friends who I self invite to are the ones who “open their homes” and let us all know that we are always welcome and to just let them know when we want to come. At times this works well, but that depends on the friendship, the family situation and if the host has first invited in the traditional way. As a rule I do not call to invite myself over if I have never been there before. But if someone constantly extends invitations then I know they really mean it. I also see a trend that those who only offer open invitations usually have an excuse when i finally call. Is the open invitation just a way for them to assuage their own guilt? does it make them feel giving without having to actually give?
Then there is the question of why they are inviting me. Do they see my need and therefore invite me (which makes me feel pretty pathetic yet I am grateful that at least they do that). Or do they invite me for what I have to offer. Am I wanted for my charming personality or for their guilty conscience? That is the question.

hubby sharing

Is anyone happy with where they are in life? Singles can’t wait to trade in their “independence” for a joint life. Yet the married women I speak to yearn for some time for themselves, time away. The childless women ache for a baby while my friends who are mothers are overwhelmed by their lot. It seems like we can’t wait to get to the next level in life but when we do we look back at the last one with envy. I appreciate that I do have a certain sense of freedom which my friends may not have but at the same time they have a sense of security that I lack.
I was thinking this over while driving and suddenly the perfect solution came to me. As with many new ideas it is actually regressing. Let’s go back to multiple wives. It satisfies every aspect of these issues. The singles have more opportunities for marriage. By adding the married men to the eligible pool more singles can find their mates. And if the wives viewed these “other wives” as team players rather than competition then their own lives can be simplified by it. Want the benefits of marriage without the constant stresses? Who wouldn’t? Now when one wife needs “time off” the other one can stand in. Take a week off from cooking and cleaning and know that your family is still being taken care of. And even child rearing can be viewed as a shared venture.
Finally! Motherhood is an institution that can offer benefits such as vacation time or leave of absence. And the best part is they will have to hold your position indefinitely.
Be a team player, send your husband on a date!!!

appearances

While recently attending a kiruv organizations shabbaton I had a hard time digesting the fashion show taking place. Seemingly frum women were prancing around in stilettos and outfits too fancy for a wedding. Who are they trying to impress? And how does this obvious focus on materialism and physicality mesh with a life as a torah jew? Can they really coexist? When married women have to try so hard- constantly changing outfits and always “being on”, I cant imagine who its being done for. If its for the sake of their spouse then one look should be enough to please him. He knows what is in her closet, he doesn’t need to see it all on her over the course of one weekend. And I cant imagine its for the other women there- they are too focused on their own appearance to really care what anyone else is wearing. Maybe its for the husbands friends- let them see what a trophy he married. And if its really being done for themselves, I pity them for needing to always appear perfect to bolster their self esteem. While I believe a bas yisreol should always present herself as such I think there are limits. A nice appearance says I care. An overdone appearance says I care too much. In a world of economic turmoil flaunting your purchases seems wrong.

lost a friend

I lost my best friend to technology. We spoke daily for the past ten years or so. Then came facebook. Suddenly she was able to go online and have “friends” that she can keep up with by just posting a sentence here and there. People she hadn’t seen or heard about in years were suddenly being talked about in conversation though in truth still not one word had been uttered between them. Friends of mine were now friends of hers. As I am not on facebook I still received phone calls, yet not as often as before. Then came the killer. My friend got a new phone. A blackberry, with a full keyboard. Now she could be in touch with anyone, even me, without ever speaking a word. And so, I now receive a text which is supposed to sum up an entire day or a “wazzup” meant to convey “im thinking of you”. Yet I remain of the old school of thought. If you are thinking of me, talk to me. make an effort. Show me that you care. The written word is worth a lot but cant take the place of a real live conversation.

weight

I went out for lunch recently with 3 friends. After a very satisfying meal we picked up pastries from the bakery and headed to my house to eat them while playing a game. It was during the game that I looked around me at all these thin girls with the realization that they all just ate the same amount as I did. Yet they all had the bodies considered ideal while I, lets just say, don’t. They are able to eat without a thought, they don’t exercise and while I try to make wise food choices and exercise religiously, I will never be as thin as they are. Which made me think… why am I expected to work to look like their body type? They are built one way, I another. Why is theirs considered superior? Why are men allowed to expect me to look this way? Why do I feel guilty when I eat what they eat freely? I try to stay within a healthy range, and exercise to keep my heart pumping but more than that is just getting caught up with what society has dictated to be right. If my body is unable to process foods in the same manner as theirs why am I looked on as if I did something wrong? I hate that we have all become so weight conscious and that at times I still allow myself to get swept up in the madness. But my daily struggle at this point is not to cut down on high calorie foods but rather to stop caring about its effects.