Saturday, August 22, 2009

singles events- take 2

Singles events have ruined it for the singles. Whereas before both male and females had to go on formal dates, be on their best behavior, and slowly get to know one another, they are now constantly meeting one another at informal events. Alcohol is served, the atmosphere is relaxed and the singles are becoming more and more comfortable with each other. Gone is the middle-man telling them how to proceed, gone is the nerves of not knowing where the other one stands. Instead what is left is a group of 30+ singles who all “know each other well” yet are not able to date and take that relationship further. Guys are bringing girls their coffee shabbos morning in hotels, yet they are “just friends”. Girls are able to get in touch with loads of men through facebook but have not been on a marriage minded date in months. Men with good reputations in the yeshivish circles have girlfriends for months. Girls are drinking alcoholic beverages and flirting in ways that would scare their parents and former teachers.
Boundaries are being overstepped that never would have happened in the past. Rabbanim give their approval to these events but I wonder if they really know what goes on at them. Men are exposed to modes of dress they may not have seen when only on shidduch dates. This not so tznius look appeals to them and they begin to look at the tznius girls as dowdy and outdated. The single girls realize that they must begin to dress to lure in the guy and they let down their guard. Once their dress has been compromised their behavior is at stake. The stories I have heard of what goes on between singles should be chilling to any frum jew, yet at this point they are no longer shocking. Ten years ago the thought of being ov'er on negiah was unbelievable. Yet today I overhear conversations of singles going to the mikvah. (and those are the ones who are somewhat within the realm of halacha)
As an older single I thank those who are trying to find new solutions to what has been termed the shidduch crisis. Yet I beg of you to stop these events and go back to the old fashioned way of redding shidduchim.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

summer bbq

A friend told me of the bbq she and her husband were going to be making for some friends. I’d invite you she said but I think you’d feel uncomfortable as the only single. I just nodded to end the conversation. In truth her comment was what made me uncomfortable as it made me see that SHE was the one who’d be uncomfortable were i to attend. I have no issue being surrounded by my married peers. My nearest and dearest are married and I love spending time with them. There is no akwardness on my end. The only thing that can make it uncomfortable is the friend who looks at my identity as a single and sees me as nothing more. She can’t see what I’d contribute to her gathering, only what my status in life represents. And for some reason THAT makes HER uncomfortable.