too late

Sometimes it just feels too late. That what others don’t seem to get. They still think theres hope, it can happen, you never know. And that may be true. But also true is the fact that even if it does come, its coming close to twenty years too late. Yes I may get married. Iyh I hope to someday have kids. But I will never have my youth back. will never be a young mother, chasing her kids. Will never have the luxury of bringing my kids to my parents. Will never look at anything with the same fresh attitude as a young wife in her twenties. Can happiness still come? Yes. Will it be great and perhaps even better than for some who married young? Absolutely. But the fervent hope that things may change for me does nothing to undo the years of hurt that I have endured.

I am now being set up with a piece of paper. Gone are the days of phone calls where someone met a nice boy and thought of me. Actually meeting the person before setting him up is a thing of the past. Now the callers excitedly tell me about how nice the guy appears on his resume. More often than not I can explain why they are wrong, not about his niceness but about the whole impression they misread about the person. Apparently there are individuals who take it upon themselves to send out emails of resumes by the masses. Upon reading these my sisters or other well meaning friends will call me in excitement, sure they have found my bashert based on a piece of paper. and when i do not share their excitement they shake their heads in disapproval, dismayed over my pickiness.

name calling

I just read yet another article on the shidduch crisis. This one dealt with the misplaced priorities of the singles. It mocked the silly expectations and it praised the married couple for having made the obviously right choices. Basically the article had a very judgemental tone to it. Which many of these seemingly advisory essays seem to. The issue I have with such thoughts is that it doesn’t view the more blatant issue at hand which is that most of the singles I know don’t even have a chance to meet anyone, let alone make smart or silly choices. When ive had one date in two years I really don’t think I can be labeled as picky for not marrying all one of them. Who consequently rejected me. And sure we have all turned down opportunities at dates but who can really decide what baggage the single can live with better than the single themselves. So stop the namecalling and start setting up singles with legitimate ideas for dates and maybe then you will be in a position to give advice. Maybe.

adopt a single?

Mi k’amcha yisroel. For every group of suffers there is an organization ready and willing to help out. They swoop in to cheer up the sick children, they are there to help the parents through the difficult times. Adults who are ill can find help through the various bikur cholims. There are support systems in place for survivors and for the bereaved. Parents of kids at risk have where to turn. There are gmachs to help with weddings. There are gmachs to help clothe needy children. there are networks to help the unemployed. The only ones who seem to be left out are the singles. Sure, there are articles written about their crisis! Yes, there are meetings and websites aimed at finding them spouses. But for the day to day struggles of living as a single there is no help. Noone to talk to about their emotions. Nobody is whisking them off for a weekend away from their hardships. Nobody is providing them with gifts just because of what they are going through. Singles are meant to be self sufficient both financially and emotionally. A single woman is expected to be hard working on the job and is assumed to have money put away from all those years of working. she is the first one turned to when help is needed for others, be it time or money but few are thinking about what they can do to ease the pain of her suffering.

where they still laugh and wish

My friend has just confided
The sorrow she did endure
Watching her mother waste away
Until sadly she is no more

My mind rewinds so many years
To the time of our childhood and youth
A time where we thought we knew it all
But were actually quite naïve and uncouth

another month has sadly passed
she’d stop counting if she could
how many treatments must she try
before the news is good

our senior year was the year we thought
we truly knew it all
we knew where we’d go and what we’d say
we thought we’d never fall

another shadchan, another date
yet single she remains
she tries to cry out to her friends
but they just cant feel her pains

will you be going to college
which seminary will you attend
the future is so exciting
for each student and her friend

her husband took another job
he tutors every night
she works so hard to pay the bills
yet still the money’s tight

they gather together, they seem to regress,
the years-they melt away
until they find themselves back in a time
for just one night, they get to stay
the conversations light,
the food it is delish
they reminisce of happy days
where they still laugh and wish.

Mazel... TOV????

The news just broke, the neighbor is engaged! Such a simcha!!! This family has suffered enough. Health issues, shalom bayis issues, parnassah issues, hardships with the kids. For years we have all been saying how much they need this simcha. And now it's finally here. And rather than be truly happy for them I am sitting here wallowing in self pity. Instead of focusing on the good I am dreading facing the neighbors as the older still single neighbor. And more saddening to me than the fact that I'm still single is the fact that I can not take joy in others success.

Back-up

Was thinking about why I feel so left out and lonely when I'm constantly being praised and told how loved I am. And then it hit me. Everyone loves me and wants me... But as a backup. I'm the one to call when plans don't work out. The volunteer called last minute for emergency help. Even in my business I get the last minute calls when someone else cancelled. It's better than not being called on at all but just once I'd like to feel the feeling of being first. Of being the one called when the funniest thing just happened and you need to tell. Of being included in the planning stages of the event. Of being the indispensable one. Someday.