rosh hashana thoughts

Just spoke to a friend, reminiscing about this time last year. Over last succos I got to meet the guy she was seriously dating. Now, a year later she is very pregnant. (Yes, I know you are either pregnant or not, no varying levels). She commented on how much has changed in one year. And while I outwardly agreed with her internally I was focused on how much has stayed the same for me. In one year that she has gone from being single to engaged to married and now nearing the birth of her child I have remained single. Dateless and hopeless. And while I can be grateful for all the good in my life I can also take this time to wallow in self pity. For a year gone by without a date, without a chance, without feeling any closer to my goal.

picky? or realistic?

I was recently called by a stranger and set up with a guy. Although he gave me references to check with (all happened to be his own relatives) I decided not to use them and instead began asking around. I asked many singles, I asked people from his neighborhood. I had people asking people. But no-one had heard of him. Meanwhile upon hearing this story a friend took it upon herself to do the research herself. She began calling the references and reported back with nice information. Still I was hesitant. Why doesn’t anyone know him? He is in a service industry, people can know him that way. Girls who date anyone and everyone didn’t know him. I was bothered. The shadchan called again and upon my telling him my reservations he responded, “well he’s not mordechai ben david!”. This saga continued. My friend called me a few nights ago and said I hear hes a real mentch. What more do you want? This is the point where I can hear the tone – “oh she’s so picky”. I said I want common ground. I want someone who knows me to say yes, this is worth a shot. She decided on her own that she would speak to him directly. Late last night I received a text “just had a phone date with so and so. Hes not for you”. He may be nice he may be well liked but some things are just not evident until you speak to the person directly. Its not being picky. Its being realistic.

what now?

As frum from birth girls we are raised to serve a better purpose. Everything we do is for the ultimate purpose of serving God. We learn this as children and know that as adults we will do so by supporting our husbands and sons in their learning and help raise the next generation of righteous jews. Yet as we reached our twenties and then thirties for many of us this future never evolved into the present. No husband to send out to his chavrusa, no children to say modeh ani with. Initially we found other ways to serve our creator- chesed and tefila became our methods and we convinced ourselves that this was our role. Yet years into this we find that it is not enough. Sure we are still living as torah Jews but feel there must be more. God could not have sent us here just to wait it out. We are supposed to pass it on, leave a legacy. And more and more single girls seem to be questioning… what now?

expectations

One of the things that frustrates me most about the frum people is their expectation of how life will turn out. Though we claim everything is up to Hashem, we still expect He will do what makes sense to us. Walking with 2 women on shabbos one exclaimed to the other "you’ll probably make a chassunah soon". Yes, there is a good chance that this 19 year old beauty in discussion will be indeed be married within months. But there is always the hopefully slim chance that she will not be. This also comes up when working with a wedding party. Many times comments are made concerning who’s next, in reference to those still years away from dating. They take age order into account and if a brother is only a couple of years older than the girl it is assumed she will go before him, but possibly the same year. When these comments are made I pray that they not have to learn the hard way that life does not always turn out the way we assume it will.

vacationless

When in my early 20’s I was a big traveller, flying from country to country, city to city. My friends, newly married were struggling with their finances and schedules and looked on enviously. Somehow now the tables have turned. My friends have established familes, and moved up in their careers. They are now able to leave the kids for a few nights or take them along, creating family memories. And for me, there is noone with whom to go. So now it is me, looking on whistfully while they show pictures of beautiful scenic vacations.

moms and their misplaced values

I recently helped out the mother of a large family who was undergoing some medical issues. I cooked her delicious yet simple meals, sharing the recipes and shortcuts for her to use when life returns to normal. Yet each time I shared an inexpensive quick method she’d respond by brainstorming how to add to this and make it an impressive meal. Which it already was.
I used to look at the haggard moms on the street and feel bad for the stress they are under by sheer volume of children. Many “ultra-orthodox” women have many kids and it is nearly impossible to care for them all without losing control. But what I learned from this situation is that much of the pressures they endure they are placing upon themselves. It is a mothers responsibility to make sure their children are well fed at the end of the day. It is not their responsibility to provide a 5 course meal, or to provide respectful meals each time a neighborhood mom has a child. Baked goods do not need to be home baked, children would prefer a calm mom and a box of store bought cookies. It is time for the mothers out there to reevaluate their priorities.

cell phones

Dear friend
We recently spent what should have been a nice day together. Fun activity, nice dinner out. But while I was there with you, you were there with someone else. You were texting and emailing all day. When you noticed something comment worthy you’d photograph it on your phone and send it to someone else. Instead of creating new memories with me you were rehashing old ones on your blackberry. Rather than fill me in on the jokes, you communicated them to someone who did not clear their day to spend it with you. Yes, I admit I do sometimes answer a call or text while out with you but it does not take over my day. And once I realized how upset I was getting over your behavior I put my phone away altogether to ensure that my behavior does not match yours.
So please, I beg of you, in this age of technology, where it seems we can be with anyone, anywhere, any time, please don’t use it to push away those who are actually there with you.