yom kippur

I walked into shul not knowing anyone. My neighbor had promised to tell someone I was coming but I had no expectations. Then, from across the room a woman mouthed- are you ruthies neighbor? Yes, im shani I mouthed back. I’m sarah she replied with a smile. We each went back to davening but within 5 minutes my fantasies had me as a weekly guest at her shabbos table, and her family making my shidduch. A few minutes later there was a break while we waited for maariv to start. I tried catching her eye but couldn’t and finally went back to my davening.

losing friends

I lost a friend a few years ago. Not sure how or why. One day i was involved in her life, suddenly she had moved away without even letting me know. I found out her number from a mutual friend and left multiple messages. I gave up for a while assuming she was busy but upon hearing she had a baby I left yet another message. At that point I was ready to give up but for some reason I said id give it one more try. This time I actually reached her and had the most distracted phone call. Finally I gave up. I had tried more than enough times and she was clearly not interested. This hurt- I had been with her through more than one hardship in her life, and had spent many a meal at her table. I knew her kids well and had watched them when her parent died and she was sitting shiva. Since then I bumped into her on YT and I kept the conversation short. I heard through another friend that she would call her from time to time, invite her to come for a visit. This was hurtful as I had invested much in this friendship yet I saw I was not the one she took the time to call. I recently met her and was once again civil and then walked away while she and my friend continued to talk. Today, being erev yom kippur I suddenly decided to ask mechila. For what I am not sure. Upon calling she said no, I though you were upset at me. I explained that having tried more than my share to reach out I took a step back. She defended herself with explaining that she had a lot going on at that time. I hung up and burst into tears. Not exactly sure why. But I am tired of friends backing away for long periods of time only to say later they were “busy”. I’ve heard it all- pregnancies, illness in the family, tragedies in the family, moves etc. and I understand that these things take up time. And you might not even want to talk about it. But just call back and say, now is not a good time. And call back when it is.

rant

Earlier in the summer 3 of my friends went on vacation. Upon hearing of their plans I was hurt that I was not informed or included. I decided to say something to one of them and that clearly changed our friendship. She ignored me for the next week or so after which time we began to once again keep in touch but it was every few weeks or so rather than every few days. I also stopped having any expectations of her and did not initiate any plans.
Tonight this friend emailed and called me to try to make shabbos plans. Although I have options to choose from already I was ready to include her in my plans as I would hate for her to not have where to go. Towards the end of the conversation she mentioned that she had once again gone away with the other friend. This leads me to a couple of questions: a. am I so horrible to spend time with and b.how dare she come to me for plans when I am clearly not wanted in hers?
I am hurt and upset.