attitude

Sometimes I feel like all I do is try. Try to get married. Try to lose weight. Try to be a good friend. And then sometimes im just tired of it all. My efforts seem futile. After weighing myself this morning and seeing no change despite my recent addiction to proper diet and exercise, after realizing that any conversations ive had this weekend were initiated by me, upon coming up to two years without as much as a date, I am just tired. Bone weary exhaustion. Don’t have the energy to fight this mood. So I will slowly get through the day and hope that tomorrow although I will wake up to the same life, the same situations, somehow I will have the proper attitude to face it all with a smile.

all in the same place

A friend of mine recently ended a relationship only to be pursued by a guy she had dated previously. She is currently seeing where that goes but doubts it will work out. I complained of not dating in a long time and she responds that she may date more but we are really in the same places. This is a line I hear a lot, usually as a way to make me feel better about my lack of dating. But I strongly disagree. I may end up single and the “dater” may end up single but we are at different points having each gone through what we did. And while not dating can increase insecurities, being in a relationship, even if it eventually fails teaches the single that they are capable of one, of being able to “love” and of being appreciated and admired. We all crave attention and getting it, even for a limited amount of time can do wonders for a girl.

things singles wish you knew

1. while we appreciate the shabbos invitation, please let us know in advance if you are having other company. Not all singles appreciate being over with other couples and their kids. Sometimes it makes us downright uncomfortable. And sometimes we enjoy it and are glad to be treated like everyone else. So how can you know how we will react? By giving us advance notice! Then it is up to us to accept the invitation or to make up a reason to come a different time. And this does not only refer to couples. Please keep in mind that not all single girls are going to be best friends. And while it may be easier for you to have us over together, please run it by us first.
2. our lives do not revolve around dating. In fact many of us can go months and yes, even years!, without a date. So if we are not available don’t jump to conclusions. Also, don’t ask for dating stories. Yes, they are entertaining to you and most of us even enjoy the telling but unless it has been a lucky month chances are the last dating story you heard is still our last.
3. we don not appreciate the “bracha” evident in every conversation we have. And we don’t miss it being said there. So while you think you are helping even more by repeating over and over to “say amen” we are just praying over and over that the floorboards would open and swallow us whole.
4. we are not picky. the reasons we give for rejecting a date may make us appear that way but due to various reasons including shmiras halashon we are not telling you the complete story. And even if we are, unless you were on that date with us, don’t make judgement calls.
(TO BE CONTINUED)

pesach ponderings

Its all been said. Pesach brings a certain feeling of helplessness but when I try to put it into words this year it just feels old. I want to kick and scream but nothing has changed or seems like it will. I want to vent and tell the world what its like but its all been put out there already. And it just seems like a waste to repeat. So I put on a smile and face the world and know that this too shall pass.

gas wars

I DID IT AGAIN. I lost it with a stranger. And it was literally over a few measly cents. This happens every time I use full service gas stations. I look up at the amount when the tank is full and begin counting it out. Without fail the attendant then tops off the gas bringing the amount to the next dollar. This can be a loss of 8 cent or 98 depending on the original number. Without fail this gets me going. If I got $33.78 worth of gas then that is exactly what I want to pay, not $34. Especially when paying with credit cards and there is no change being counted out.
Were I to walk into the grocery store and my total was 78.52 would I pay that amount or 79? Why is gas the only purchase that thinks it’s entitled to my extra change. And if every other charge is being input as complete prices why do the attendants think it will be easier with a nice even fifty. The rest of the bill will still have to be reconciled with its nickels and dimes, I have tried and tried to talk “sense” into these gas attendants but to no avail. My words are useless to them ad my voice raises as I get more frustrated. Eventually I just throw the money at him but make sure he knows I am mad.
And as I drive away I wonder what bothers me more, that I pay a few cents more or that I lost control over a few cents?

the sound of silence

I have friend, id even say lots of friends. Friends I can call to chat, friends who can call for a favor. Friends to hang out with, friends to laugh with. But the friend I seem to be missing most is the one who calls to see how I am. Not just to shoot the breeze but to really see how im feeling. Sure, I can call any number of friends and say I need to talk, but sometimes that’s not what I need. What I need is for the call to be incoming, for the phone to ring, to break the silence and let me know someone cares.

playing the game

Its like participating in a kids ball game, players slowly being called to a team. Leaving the group in the field. One by one they walk away to begin a new life, to create a family. The ones in the field look on in a combination of fear and envy, waiting to be chosen, wondering when and if their turn will come. The time passes them by, at times crawling past at an incredible slow snails pace. Other times it flies right by, the years feel like minutes, accomplishing so much yet so much stays the same.

She has completed her education, excelled in her field of work. She’s traveled the world, has stories of adventure and excitement. Yet all she craves is the mundane life her friends lead. She dreams of the day she too will come home from work to a full load of work still waiting. Days when she will have to juggle dinner and bath time and PTA.

She goes to shiurim, is involved in chesed, babysits her nieces and nephews. Yet she struggles with the questions. What is her tafkid? How can this be all- wasn’t she training her whole life towards a life of raising jewish children? what happened to that dream? She is forced to relearn the dream. To reevaluate priorities, to make do with a new reality. Yet a small voice inside still hopes that one day the original plan can still be hers.