rabbi right?

As a member of the shidduch CRISIS (love the term!) I am always appreciative of speakers who push for the singles. I listen to many torah tapes in the car and one rabbi in particular is always standing up for the singles. He encourages his audience to set them up and to invite them for shabbos meals. As nice as it is that he is instructing the public on how to act towards these poor nebach souls, I began to wonder how the singles themselves are supposed to behave. Who speaks to us? From where do we get chizzuk and advice? A plan began to form in my head. I mentioned the idea to my friend who in turn mentioned it t the rebetzin of a shul who willingly allowed free usage of her shul. All that was left to do was to call the rabbi himself and ask him to speak to a group of older girls. (I know some prefer to be called women but I just cant stomach the word). Anyway, I kept delaying the call. Somehow my fears of rejection coupled with a fear or the principal left over from my childhood was getting in the way. Then the perfect opportunity came up. I was speaking to a friend/ businessman and when I mentioned the idea he said he would call and lay the groundwork for me. within minutes he was on the phone with the rabbi introducing the idea. Without really waiting to hear more the rabbi said I don’t know that I am the right one for this. My friend countered with- im sure all rabbis have to say that, it’s a humilty thing. However the rabbi kept him on hold for a long time then came back again saying that hes probably not right. He did say to call back on Monday but I have to admit my hopes were dashed. He is actually the perfect one for this. Girls look up to him, and can take hearing it from him. He is involved enough in the social world to truly hear what goes on. This whole thing makes me wonder- is it all political? What if I was calling from a big name organization? Would he be the right one then? If this was being done in a public forum, a convention to be taped and photographed- would he agree then? So as a single constantly faced with rejection I was just rejected one more time.

the phone call

He started by asking “what are you looking for” the only response I could come up with was a husband (at least I got a laugh out of that). I then turned the question on him and he did not seem to have any opinions other than she needs to wear skirts only and want to cover her hair. Any further religious inquiries were met with I don’t know. Not sure if he was joking or not I decided this was going to be a really fun date or a really wacky one. Upon asking his age I got the response of 52, 60 and finally 65. my only reaction was that you better be rich then . he asked me where we should go and I told him I expect him to decide. We discussed drinking and he mentioned a bar he’d take me to. Again, wasn’t sure how much he was joking

singles at events

i recently did something i dont do often. i attended a singles shabbaton. i was struck at the confidence (meaning arrogance) of some girls. while most girls have dealt with enough rejection to have a hard time noticing when a guy finally shows interest, some girls seem to have the opposite issue. these girls think everyone is interested. a nice guy saying good shabbos was labelled stalking, a guy leaning in to a conversation in a noisy room was said to have been knocking into her. the response of the girl was of course to snub the offender, who was left with a look of shock, not knowing what he did to deserve her attitude. apparently the only way for some to feel liked is to convince themselves of the fact, whether or not it is true.

sunny days

spring has finally sprung. as i sat in my apt today i listened to the sounds that nice weather brings. the kids were out playing, the parents watching them began to socialize. good cheer was all around. except... the singles felt the change of weather as another season without change. with no children to watch there seemed no reason to be outdoors. with no partner with whom to socialize the park seemed a depressing place. so i called a friend to come play scrabble. we found our own peace and had a nice day after all

grade school lessons

When I was in grade school we had a monthly assembly where two awards were given to students from each class. One was for middos and one was for davening. Month after month I aimed for an award, waiting to hear my name announced to the school. Although I was always a fairly well behaved kid, towards the time of the assembly I especially made an effort to appear to concentrate better on my prayers or to behave extra fine. But slowly the months passed as did the years and I never once received the award. It was a simple photocopy pasted on a sheet of colored paper, but I coveted it as if it were of great value.
Fast forward many many years. Somehow I am still bothered by this story. I blame the teachers for not seeing that all kids need to receive that extra attention. I blame the school for thinking they hold the power to decide who has proper middos, who has proper kavana. Yet recently I started to think of this story a little differently. Maybe it was merely preparing me for life. Here I am, older and single. Waiting to be “good enough”. I do chessed, I daven extra, I go to shiurim. And part of me is still waiting for someone to say- you deserve an award. This time I am hoping someone will notice my goodness and have a shidduch for me, a little more valuable than that sheet of paper. But the lesson I have learned is the same as the one in my grade school story. It is not up to others to decide what I deserve, who is doing enough, who is davening correctly. I do what I do because Hashem wants me to. And Hhe is the only One who can properly reward me.

shabbos as a single

Most people dread Mondays. They are psyching up all week towards the weekend and on Monday their mini vacation must come to an end. For me, and many like me, Thursday is my Monday. It is looked at with dread. For me Thursday has come to mean the last chance to make shabbos plans. As the week moves on the dread gets stronger and stronger. What will I do this shabbos? Where will I be? Where will I be the most comfortable? Or should I just go with the least uncomfortable? Some weeks come easy, invitations come well in advance and they are the ones which seem worth accepting. During other weeks it seems like there will be no plans at all. And sometimes it seems that staying home alone may be the better alternative to accepting invitations.
There are always outsiders offering their opinion (like with everything in life). Their take is usually against staying home citing reasons such as it being depressing. But are they offering another option? The longer I am single and the more weekends that come without plans, the less energy I have to make things right. I’ve been advised against “getting used to it” but at times I see no other choice. I’d rather sit home in my non-shabbos environment than face the degradation involved in calling to self-invite. Of course, these well meaning friends who I self invite to are the ones who “open their homes” and let us all know that we are always welcome and to just let them know when we want to come. At times this works well, but that depends on the friendship, the family situation and if the host has first invited in the traditional way. As a rule I do not call to invite myself over if I have never been there before. But if someone constantly extends invitations then I know they really mean it. I also see a trend that those who only offer open invitations usually have an excuse when i finally call. Is the open invitation just a way for them to assuage their own guilt? does it make them feel giving without having to actually give?
Then there is the question of why they are inviting me. Do they see my need and therefore invite me (which makes me feel pretty pathetic yet I am grateful that at least they do that). Or do they invite me for what I have to offer. Am I wanted for my charming personality or for their guilty conscience? That is the question.

hubby sharing

Is anyone happy with where they are in life? Singles can’t wait to trade in their “independence” for a joint life. Yet the married women I speak to yearn for some time for themselves, time away. The childless women ache for a baby while my friends who are mothers are overwhelmed by their lot. It seems like we can’t wait to get to the next level in life but when we do we look back at the last one with envy. I appreciate that I do have a certain sense of freedom which my friends may not have but at the same time they have a sense of security that I lack.
I was thinking this over while driving and suddenly the perfect solution came to me. As with many new ideas it is actually regressing. Let’s go back to multiple wives. It satisfies every aspect of these issues. The singles have more opportunities for marriage. By adding the married men to the eligible pool more singles can find their mates. And if the wives viewed these “other wives” as team players rather than competition then their own lives can be simplified by it. Want the benefits of marriage without the constant stresses? Who wouldn’t? Now when one wife needs “time off” the other one can stand in. Take a week off from cooking and cleaning and know that your family is still being taken care of. And even child rearing can be viewed as a shared venture.
Finally! Motherhood is an institution that can offer benefits such as vacation time or leave of absence. And the best part is they will have to hold your position indefinitely.
Be a team player, send your husband on a date!!!