beliefs

i grew up believing that what goes around comes around. I believed that the way you treat others is how you will be treated. I believed that when you give you will be repaid tenfold. I believed when you went out of your way for others, others would do the same back. I didn’t think it was equal, not those who you did for would always do back but I thought there was a certain structure to the world. Now I am left with doubts. I thought charity was an insurance against poverty. I thought including others was a guarantee against loneliness. I thought my innate goodness would bring better times. Now I cry alone.

birthdays

Im 37 years old and single. Please don’t speak to me as you would to a 21 year old, with their life and dreams ahead of them. Please don’t speak to me as you would to a 24 year old, telling them to try to enjoy life while they have the freedom to run and do. Please don’t speak to me as you would to a 30 year old, telling them its about to come. Please speak to me with sensitivity and care as you would to anyone else who has suffered, watching the years go by. Please speak to me with the realization that my dreams have been dashed time and time again. Please speak to me knowing that my friends have already made bar mitzvahs and chosen high schools, and will iyh soon marry off their children. please speak to me in a way that shows you have stopped to think about what I am going through and that you really feel my pain.

Dear well meaning lady who I don’t even know I really appreciate that you’ve devoted your time to “dabbling” in shidduchim. That’s really very noble of you. However, when you see my professional picture taken at a family simcha and its still not good enough for you, how do you think you make me feel? You don’t know me, you probably don’t know the guys youre sending my information to either. So how do you know that they are insisting on specific looks? When you give a speech about presenting myself in the best light what makes you think that the external is as important to my future date or husband as it is to you? I am BH attractive and put together. So why are you so sure that my few extra pounds will get in the way. Why do you feel that only the skinniest, the prettiest and the best dressed are deserving to date. Has it never occurred to you that guys are actually interested in the likes of me? That my style and personality come through even though in your eyes I will never be good enough? That I am accomplished and frum and giving and that these qualities will get me further in life than whatever you deem important qualities in a single? So again, I thank you for trying to help me out but in fact all you’ve done is ruin my day. Sincerely, an amazing single

30s going on 20s

single and living alone is not a normal place to be at this point in my life. I find myself involved in juvenile activities from which I would have moved on had I married and had a family. I spend an unreal amount of time watching tv or surfing the web. I play online games. I still kvell over my nieces and nephews and babysit or take them out to be helpful to their parents (my younger siblings). While none of these things are negative in their own rights they just add to the feeling that I am doing things generally reserved for college age kids.

chol hamoed and the single

Chol hamoed is once upon on us and with it all the usual question. What are your plans? I have worked hard over the years to make chol hamoed into a week of no expectations. Rather than focus on the lack of companions with whom to do activities I view it as any other day, spent relaxing and maybe including an outdoor activity. But as much as ive made peace with it the questions still manage to bring me down. Brought on simply as a topic of conversation the questioner does not realize the hurt they are bringing up. So as I attempt to get through this week of questioning and loneliness I hope it will somehow make me stronger. And better equipped to handle the upcoming question- what are your summer plans?

too late

Sometimes it just feels too late. That what others don’t seem to get. They still think theres hope, it can happen, you never know. And that may be true. But also true is the fact that even if it does come, its coming close to twenty years too late. Yes I may get married. Iyh I hope to someday have kids. But I will never have my youth back. will never be a young mother, chasing her kids. Will never have the luxury of bringing my kids to my parents. Will never look at anything with the same fresh attitude as a young wife in her twenties. Can happiness still come? Yes. Will it be great and perhaps even better than for some who married young? Absolutely. But the fervent hope that things may change for me does nothing to undo the years of hurt that I have endured.

I am now being set up with a piece of paper. Gone are the days of phone calls where someone met a nice boy and thought of me. Actually meeting the person before setting him up is a thing of the past. Now the callers excitedly tell me about how nice the guy appears on his resume. More often than not I can explain why they are wrong, not about his niceness but about the whole impression they misread about the person. Apparently there are individuals who take it upon themselves to send out emails of resumes by the masses. Upon reading these my sisters or other well meaning friends will call me in excitement, sure they have found my bashert based on a piece of paper. and when i do not share their excitement they shake their heads in disapproval, dismayed over my pickiness.

name calling

I just read yet another article on the shidduch crisis. This one dealt with the misplaced priorities of the singles. It mocked the silly expectations and it praised the married couple for having made the obviously right choices. Basically the article had a very judgemental tone to it. Which many of these seemingly advisory essays seem to. The issue I have with such thoughts is that it doesn’t view the more blatant issue at hand which is that most of the singles I know don’t even have a chance to meet anyone, let alone make smart or silly choices. When ive had one date in two years I really don’t think I can be labeled as picky for not marrying all one of them. Who consequently rejected me. And sure we have all turned down opportunities at dates but who can really decide what baggage the single can live with better than the single themselves. So stop the namecalling and start setting up singles with legitimate ideas for dates and maybe then you will be in a position to give advice. Maybe.

adopt a single?

Mi k’amcha yisroel. For every group of suffers there is an organization ready and willing to help out. They swoop in to cheer up the sick children, they are there to help the parents through the difficult times. Adults who are ill can find help through the various bikur cholims. There are support systems in place for survivors and for the bereaved. Parents of kids at risk have where to turn. There are gmachs to help with weddings. There are gmachs to help clothe needy children. there are networks to help the unemployed. The only ones who seem to be left out are the singles. Sure, there are articles written about their crisis! Yes, there are meetings and websites aimed at finding them spouses. But for the day to day struggles of living as a single there is no help. Noone to talk to about their emotions. Nobody is whisking them off for a weekend away from their hardships. Nobody is providing them with gifts just because of what they are going through. Singles are meant to be self sufficient both financially and emotionally. A single woman is expected to be hard working on the job and is assumed to have money put away from all those years of working. she is the first one turned to when help is needed for others, be it time or money but few are thinking about what they can do to ease the pain of her suffering.

where they still laugh and wish

My friend has just confided
The sorrow she did endure
Watching her mother waste away
Until sadly she is no more

My mind rewinds so many years
To the time of our childhood and youth
A time where we thought we knew it all
But were actually quite naïve and uncouth

another month has sadly passed
she’d stop counting if she could
how many treatments must she try
before the news is good

our senior year was the year we thought
we truly knew it all
we knew where we’d go and what we’d say
we thought we’d never fall

another shadchan, another date
yet single she remains
she tries to cry out to her friends
but they just cant feel her pains

will you be going to college
which seminary will you attend
the future is so exciting
for each student and her friend

her husband took another job
he tutors every night
she works so hard to pay the bills
yet still the money’s tight

they gather together, they seem to regress,
the years-they melt away
until they find themselves back in a time
for just one night, they get to stay
the conversations light,
the food it is delish
they reminisce of happy days
where they still laugh and wish.

Mazel... TOV????

The news just broke, the neighbor is engaged! Such a simcha!!! This family has suffered enough. Health issues, shalom bayis issues, parnassah issues, hardships with the kids. For years we have all been saying how much they need this simcha. And now it's finally here. And rather than be truly happy for them I am sitting here wallowing in self pity. Instead of focusing on the good I am dreading facing the neighbors as the older still single neighbor. And more saddening to me than the fact that I'm still single is the fact that I can not take joy in others success.

Back-up

Was thinking about why I feel so left out and lonely when I'm constantly being praised and told how loved I am. And then it hit me. Everyone loves me and wants me... But as a backup. I'm the one to call when plans don't work out. The volunteer called last minute for emergency help. Even in my business I get the last minute calls when someone else cancelled. It's better than not being called on at all but just once I'd like to feel the feeling of being first. Of being the one called when the funniest thing just happened and you need to tell. Of being included in the planning stages of the event. Of being the indispensable one. Someday.

Today it hit me again how i don't have that friend. You know, the one you call to laugh or cry with. The one you share your hopes and dreams with. The one you take along when you don't want to face the situation alone. BH most of my friends have moved on for good reasons. They've married and had children, bought homes. And I guess I have moved on from the singles. They live with their parents, rely on them for food and many expenses are taken care of for them. They just dot get the full magnitude of my responsibilities and why I can't vacation or go out to expensive restaurants frequently.I am alone on my island. Waiting to be rescued.

attitude

Sometimes I feel like all I do is try. Try to get married. Try to lose weight. Try to be a good friend. And then sometimes im just tired of it all. My efforts seem futile. After weighing myself this morning and seeing no change despite my recent addiction to proper diet and exercise, after realizing that any conversations ive had this weekend were initiated by me, upon coming up to two years without as much as a date, I am just tired. Bone weary exhaustion. Don’t have the energy to fight this mood. So I will slowly get through the day and hope that tomorrow although I will wake up to the same life, the same situations, somehow I will have the proper attitude to face it all with a smile.

all in the same place

A friend of mine recently ended a relationship only to be pursued by a guy she had dated previously. She is currently seeing where that goes but doubts it will work out. I complained of not dating in a long time and she responds that she may date more but we are really in the same places. This is a line I hear a lot, usually as a way to make me feel better about my lack of dating. But I strongly disagree. I may end up single and the “dater” may end up single but we are at different points having each gone through what we did. And while not dating can increase insecurities, being in a relationship, even if it eventually fails teaches the single that they are capable of one, of being able to “love” and of being appreciated and admired. We all crave attention and getting it, even for a limited amount of time can do wonders for a girl.

things singles wish you knew

1. while we appreciate the shabbos invitation, please let us know in advance if you are having other company. Not all singles appreciate being over with other couples and their kids. Sometimes it makes us downright uncomfortable. And sometimes we enjoy it and are glad to be treated like everyone else. So how can you know how we will react? By giving us advance notice! Then it is up to us to accept the invitation or to make up a reason to come a different time. And this does not only refer to couples. Please keep in mind that not all single girls are going to be best friends. And while it may be easier for you to have us over together, please run it by us first.
2. our lives do not revolve around dating. In fact many of us can go months and yes, even years!, without a date. So if we are not available don’t jump to conclusions. Also, don’t ask for dating stories. Yes, they are entertaining to you and most of us even enjoy the telling but unless it has been a lucky month chances are the last dating story you heard is still our last.
3. we don not appreciate the “bracha” evident in every conversation we have. And we don’t miss it being said there. So while you think you are helping even more by repeating over and over to “say amen” we are just praying over and over that the floorboards would open and swallow us whole.
4. we are not picky. the reasons we give for rejecting a date may make us appear that way but due to various reasons including shmiras halashon we are not telling you the complete story. And even if we are, unless you were on that date with us, don’t make judgement calls.
(TO BE CONTINUED)

pesach ponderings

Its all been said. Pesach brings a certain feeling of helplessness but when I try to put it into words this year it just feels old. I want to kick and scream but nothing has changed or seems like it will. I want to vent and tell the world what its like but its all been put out there already. And it just seems like a waste to repeat. So I put on a smile and face the world and know that this too shall pass.

gas wars

I DID IT AGAIN. I lost it with a stranger. And it was literally over a few measly cents. This happens every time I use full service gas stations. I look up at the amount when the tank is full and begin counting it out. Without fail the attendant then tops off the gas bringing the amount to the next dollar. This can be a loss of 8 cent or 98 depending on the original number. Without fail this gets me going. If I got $33.78 worth of gas then that is exactly what I want to pay, not $34. Especially when paying with credit cards and there is no change being counted out.
Were I to walk into the grocery store and my total was 78.52 would I pay that amount or 79? Why is gas the only purchase that thinks it’s entitled to my extra change. And if every other charge is being input as complete prices why do the attendants think it will be easier with a nice even fifty. The rest of the bill will still have to be reconciled with its nickels and dimes, I have tried and tried to talk “sense” into these gas attendants but to no avail. My words are useless to them ad my voice raises as I get more frustrated. Eventually I just throw the money at him but make sure he knows I am mad.
And as I drive away I wonder what bothers me more, that I pay a few cents more or that I lost control over a few cents?

the sound of silence

I have friend, id even say lots of friends. Friends I can call to chat, friends who can call for a favor. Friends to hang out with, friends to laugh with. But the friend I seem to be missing most is the one who calls to see how I am. Not just to shoot the breeze but to really see how im feeling. Sure, I can call any number of friends and say I need to talk, but sometimes that’s not what I need. What I need is for the call to be incoming, for the phone to ring, to break the silence and let me know someone cares.

playing the game

Its like participating in a kids ball game, players slowly being called to a team. Leaving the group in the field. One by one they walk away to begin a new life, to create a family. The ones in the field look on in a combination of fear and envy, waiting to be chosen, wondering when and if their turn will come. The time passes them by, at times crawling past at an incredible slow snails pace. Other times it flies right by, the years feel like minutes, accomplishing so much yet so much stays the same.

She has completed her education, excelled in her field of work. She’s traveled the world, has stories of adventure and excitement. Yet all she craves is the mundane life her friends lead. She dreams of the day she too will come home from work to a full load of work still waiting. Days when she will have to juggle dinner and bath time and PTA.

She goes to shiurim, is involved in chesed, babysits her nieces and nephews. Yet she struggles with the questions. What is her tafkid? How can this be all- wasn’t she training her whole life towards a life of raising jewish children? what happened to that dream? She is forced to relearn the dream. To reevaluate priorities, to make do with a new reality. Yet a small voice inside still hopes that one day the original plan can still be hers.