beliefs

i grew up believing that what goes around comes around. I believed that the way you treat others is how you will be treated. I believed that when you give you will be repaid tenfold. I believed when you went out of your way for others, others would do the same back. I didn’t think it was equal, not those who you did for would always do back but I thought there was a certain structure to the world. Now I am left with doubts. I thought charity was an insurance against poverty. I thought including others was a guarantee against loneliness. I thought my innate goodness would bring better times. Now I cry alone.

birthdays

Im 37 years old and single. Please don’t speak to me as you would to a 21 year old, with their life and dreams ahead of them. Please don’t speak to me as you would to a 24 year old, telling them to try to enjoy life while they have the freedom to run and do. Please don’t speak to me as you would to a 30 year old, telling them its about to come. Please speak to me with sensitivity and care as you would to anyone else who has suffered, watching the years go by. Please speak to me with the realization that my dreams have been dashed time and time again. Please speak to me knowing that my friends have already made bar mitzvahs and chosen high schools, and will iyh soon marry off their children. please speak to me in a way that shows you have stopped to think about what I am going through and that you really feel my pain.

Dear well meaning lady who I don’t even know I really appreciate that you’ve devoted your time to “dabbling” in shidduchim. That’s really very noble of you. However, when you see my professional picture taken at a family simcha and its still not good enough for you, how do you think you make me feel? You don’t know me, you probably don’t know the guys youre sending my information to either. So how do you know that they are insisting on specific looks? When you give a speech about presenting myself in the best light what makes you think that the external is as important to my future date or husband as it is to you? I am BH attractive and put together. So why are you so sure that my few extra pounds will get in the way. Why do you feel that only the skinniest, the prettiest and the best dressed are deserving to date. Has it never occurred to you that guys are actually interested in the likes of me? That my style and personality come through even though in your eyes I will never be good enough? That I am accomplished and frum and giving and that these qualities will get me further in life than whatever you deem important qualities in a single? So again, I thank you for trying to help me out but in fact all you’ve done is ruin my day. Sincerely, an amazing single

30s going on 20s

single and living alone is not a normal place to be at this point in my life. I find myself involved in juvenile activities from which I would have moved on had I married and had a family. I spend an unreal amount of time watching tv or surfing the web. I play online games. I still kvell over my nieces and nephews and babysit or take them out to be helpful to their parents (my younger siblings). While none of these things are negative in their own rights they just add to the feeling that I am doing things generally reserved for college age kids.

chol hamoed and the single

Chol hamoed is once upon on us and with it all the usual question. What are your plans? I have worked hard over the years to make chol hamoed into a week of no expectations. Rather than focus on the lack of companions with whom to do activities I view it as any other day, spent relaxing and maybe including an outdoor activity. But as much as ive made peace with it the questions still manage to bring me down. Brought on simply as a topic of conversation the questioner does not realize the hurt they are bringing up. So as I attempt to get through this week of questioning and loneliness I hope it will somehow make me stronger. And better equipped to handle the upcoming question- what are your summer plans?

too late

Sometimes it just feels too late. That what others don’t seem to get. They still think theres hope, it can happen, you never know. And that may be true. But also true is the fact that even if it does come, its coming close to twenty years too late. Yes I may get married. Iyh I hope to someday have kids. But I will never have my youth back. will never be a young mother, chasing her kids. Will never have the luxury of bringing my kids to my parents. Will never look at anything with the same fresh attitude as a young wife in her twenties. Can happiness still come? Yes. Will it be great and perhaps even better than for some who married young? Absolutely. But the fervent hope that things may change for me does nothing to undo the years of hurt that I have endured.

I am now being set up with a piece of paper. Gone are the days of phone calls where someone met a nice boy and thought of me. Actually meeting the person before setting him up is a thing of the past. Now the callers excitedly tell me about how nice the guy appears on his resume. More often than not I can explain why they are wrong, not about his niceness but about the whole impression they misread about the person. Apparently there are individuals who take it upon themselves to send out emails of resumes by the masses. Upon reading these my sisters or other well meaning friends will call me in excitement, sure they have found my bashert based on a piece of paper. and when i do not share their excitement they shake their heads in disapproval, dismayed over my pickiness.