life spent waiting

name calling

2012-02-03T09:37:00.001-08:00

I just read yet another article on the shidduch crisis. This one dealt with the misplaced priorities of the singles. It mocked the silly expectations and it praised the married couple for having made the obviously right choices. Basically the article had a very judgemental tone to it. Which many of these seemingly advisory essays seem to. The issue I have with such thoughts is that it doesn’t view the more blatant issue at hand which is that most of the singles I know don’t even have a chance to meet anyone, let alone make smart or silly choices. When ive had one date in two years I really don’t think I can be labeled as picky for not marrying all one of them. Who consequently rejected me. And sure we have all turned down opportunities at dates but who can really decide what baggage the single can live with better than the single themselves. So stop the namecalling and start setting up singles with legitimate ideas for dates and maybe then you will be in a position to give advice. Maybe.

adopt a single?

2012-01-16T05:10:00.000-08:00

Mi k’amcha yisroel. For every group of suffers there is an organization ready and willing to help out. They swoop in to cheer up the sick children, they are there to help the parents through the difficult times. Adults who are ill can find help through the various bikur cholims. There are support systems in place for survivors and for the bereaved. Parents of kids at risk have where to turn. There are gmachs to help with weddings. There are gmachs to help clothe needy children. there are networks to help the unemployed. The only ones who seem to be left out are the singles. Sure, there are articles written about their crisis! Yes, there are meetings and websites aimed at finding them spouses. But for the day to day struggles of living as a single there is no help. Noone to talk to about their emotions. Nobody is whisking them off for a weekend away from their hardships. Nobody is providing them with gifts just because of what they are going through. Singles are meant to be self sufficient both financially and emotionally. A single woman is expected to be hard working on the job and is assumed to have money put away from all those years of working. she is the first one turned to when help is needed for others, be it time or money but few are thinking about what they can do to ease the pain of her suffering.

where they still laugh and wish

2012-01-12T19:29:00.000-08:00

My friend has just confided
The sorrow she did endure
Watching her mother waste away
Until sadly she is no more

My mind rewinds so many years
To the time of our childhood and youth
A time where we thought we knew it all
But were actually quite naïve and uncouth

another month has sadly passed
she’d stop counting if she could
how many treatments must she try
before the news is good

our senior year was the year we thought
we truly knew it all
we knew where we’d go and what we’d say
we thought we’d never fall

another shadchan, another date
yet single she remains
she tries to cry out to her friends
but they just cant feel her pains

will you be going to college
which seminary will you attend
the future is so exciting
for each student and her friend

her husband took another job
he tutors every night
she works so hard to pay the bills
yet still the money’s tight

they gather together, they seem to regress,
the years-they melt away
until they find themselves back in a time
for just one night, they get to stay
the conversations light,
the food it is delish
they reminisce of happy days
where they still laugh and wish.

Mazel... TOV????

2011-12-07T20:44:00.001-08:00

The news just broke, the neighbor is engaged! Such a simcha!!! This family has suffered enough. Health issues, shalom bayis issues, parnassah issues, hardships with the kids. For years we have all been saying how much they need this simcha. And now it's finally here. And rather than be truly happy for them I am sitting here wallowing in self pity. Instead of focusing on the good I am dreading facing the neighbors as the older still single neighbor. And more saddening to me than the fact that I'm still single is the fact that I can not take joy in others success.

Back-up

2011-12-03T17:21:00.000-08:00

Was thinking about why I feel so left out and lonely when I'm constantly being praised and told how loved I am. And then it hit me. Everyone loves me and wants me... But as a backup. I'm the one to call when plans don't work out. The volunteer called last minute for emergency help. Even in my business I get the last minute calls when someone else cancelled. It's better than not being called on at all but just once I'd like to feel the feeling of being first. Of being the one called when the funniest thing just happened and you need to tell. Of being included in the planning stages of the event. Of being the indispensable one. Someday.

2011-12-01T07:25:00.001-08:00

Today it hit me again how i don't have that friend. You know, the one you call to laugh or cry with. The one you share your hopes and dreams with. The one you take along when you don't want to face the situation alone. BH most of my friends have moved on for good reasons. They've married and had children, bought homes. And I guess I have moved on from the singles. They live with their parents, rely on them for food and many expenses are taken care of for them. They just dot get the full magnitude of my responsibilities and why I can't vacation or go out to expensive restaurants frequently.I am alone on my island. Waiting to be rescued.

attitude

2011-08-01T07:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like all I do is try. Try to get married. Try to lose weight. Try to be a good friend. And then sometimes im just tired of it all. My efforts seem futile. After weighing myself this morning and seeing no change despite my recent addiction to proper diet and exercise, after realizing that any conversations ive had this weekend were initiated by me, upon coming up to two years without as much as a date, I am just tired. Bone weary exhaustion. Don’t have the energy to fight this mood. So I will slowly get through the day and hope that tomorrow although I will wake up to the same life, the same situations, somehow I will have the proper attitude to face it all with a smile.

all in the same place

2011-07-10T21:11:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine recently ended a relationship only to be pursued by a guy she had dated previously. She is currently seeing where that goes but doubts it will work out. I complained of not dating in a long time and she responds that she may date more but we are really in the same places. This is a line I hear a lot, usually as a way to make me feel better about my lack of dating. But I strongly disagree. I may end up single and the “dater” may end up single but we are at different points having each gone through what we did. And while not dating can increase insecurities, being in a relationship, even if it eventually fails teaches the single that they are capable of one, of being able to “love” and of being appreciated and admired. We all crave attention and getting it, even for a limited amount of time can do wonders for a girl.

things singles wish you knew

2011-05-17T14:41:00.001-07:00

1. while we appreciate the shabbos invitation, please let us know in advance if you are having other company. Not all singles appreciate being over with other couples and their kids. Sometimes it makes us downright uncomfortable. And sometimes we enjoy it and are glad to be treated like everyone else. So how can you know how we will react? By giving us advance notice! Then it is up to us to accept the invitation or to make up a reason to come a different time. And this does not only refer to couples. Please keep in mind that not all single girls are going to be best friends. And while it may be easier for you to have us over together, please run it by us first.
2. our lives do not revolve around dating. In fact many of us can go months and yes, even years!, without a date. So if we are not available don’t jump to conclusions. Also, don’t ask for dating stories. Yes, they are entertaining to you and most of us even enjoy the telling but unless it has been a lucky month chances are the last dating story you heard is still our last.
3. we don not appreciate the “bracha” evident in every conversation we have. And we don’t miss it being said there. So while you think you are helping even more by repeating over and over to “say amen” we are just praying over and over that the floorboards would open and swallow us whole.
4. we are not picky. the reasons we give for rejecting a date may make us appear that way but due to various reasons including shmiras halashon we are not telling you the complete story. And even if we are, unless you were on that date with us, don’t make judgement calls.
(TO BE CONTINUED)

pesach ponderings

2011-04-10T20:41:00.000-07:00

Its all been said. Pesach brings a certain feeling of helplessness but when I try to put it into words this year it just feels old. I want to kick and scream but nothing has changed or seems like it will. I want to vent and tell the world what its like but its all been put out there already. And it just seems like a waste to repeat. So I put on a smile and face the world and know that this too shall pass.

gas wars

2011-04-04T21:33:00.000-07:00

I DID IT AGAIN. I lost it with a stranger. And it was literally over a few measly cents. This happens every time I use full service gas stations. I look up at the amount when the tank is full and begin counting it out. Without fail the attendant then tops off the gas bringing the amount to the next dollar. This can be a loss of 8 cent or 98 depending on the original number. Without fail this gets me going. If I got $33.78 worth of gas then that is exactly what I want to pay, not $34. Especially when paying with credit cards and there is no change being counted out.
Were I to walk into the grocery store and my total was 78.52 would I pay that amount or 79? Why is gas the only purchase that thinks it’s entitled to my extra change. And if every other charge is being input as complete prices why do the attendants think it will be easier with a nice even fifty. The rest of the bill will still have to be reconciled with its nickels and dimes, I have tried and tried to talk “sense” into these gas attendants but to no avail. My words are useless to them ad my voice raises as I get more frustrated. Eventually I just throw the money at him but make sure he knows I am mad.
And as I drive away I wonder what bothers me more, that I pay a few cents more or that I lost control over a few cents?

the sound of silence

2011-03-09T20:33:00.000-08:00

I have friend, id even say lots of friends. Friends I can call to chat, friends who can call for a favor. Friends to hang out with, friends to laugh with. But the friend I seem to be missing most is the one who calls to see how I am. Not just to shoot the breeze but to really see how im feeling. Sure, I can call any number of friends and say I need to talk, but sometimes that’s not what I need. What I need is for the call to be incoming, for the phone to ring, to break the silence and let me know someone cares.

playing the game

2011-03-02T16:38:00.001-08:00

Its like participating in a kids ball game, players slowly being called to a team. Leaving the group in the field. One by one they walk away to begin a new life, to create a family. The ones in the field look on in a combination of fear and envy, waiting to be chosen, wondering when and if their turn will come. The time passes them by, at times crawling past at an incredible slow snails pace. Other times it flies right by, the years feel like minutes, accomplishing so much yet so much stays the same.

She has completed her education, excelled in her field of work. She’s traveled the world, has stories of adventure and excitement. Yet all she craves is the mundane life her friends lead. She dreams of the day she too will come home from work to a full load of work still waiting. Days when she will have to juggle dinner and bath time and PTA.

She goes to shiurim, is involved in chesed, babysits her nieces and nephews. Yet she struggles with the questions. What is her tafkid? How can this be all- wasn’t she training her whole life towards a life of raising jewish children? what happened to that dream? She is forced to relearn the dream. To reevaluate priorities, to make do with a new reality. Yet a small voice inside still hopes that one day the original plan can still be hers.

contrast

2011-02-02T19:44:00.000-08:00

Arriving home after a long day at work, she rushes in to put up dinner before the kids get home.
Arriving home after a long day of work she is greeted by the silence of her apartment.
One by one they get off the bus, eager to tell her about their day, interrupting each other to fill her in on the schools excitement.
She puts down her bag, and grabs a snack, making a quick phone call to check in with her parents.
She tries to get them started on their homework, but all too soon is inundated with complaints of hunger. Dinner is a noisy event, leaving her head pounding and the sink filled with dishes.
She reads a couple of chapters in her book, unwinding from the stresses of her workday.
She eventually gets up and rummages through the fridge, finding some form of protein and some vegetables. Close enough to resemble a well balanced meal. She absentmindedly skims the newspaper while swallowing the food.
Bathtime is finally over and then its time to start the bedtime routine. She starts with the
younger ones then makes her way up to the older ones. Tantrums and cries of thirst are all part of the program.
She’s checked her mail, her email and spoken to a few friends. She checks her clock. 8pm. Still too early for bed.
Finally the house is silent. The peacefulness teases her, begs her to relax. But the dishes must be done and lunches made.
She wastes some time online, but when she next checks its still only 9.
A few more household chores, a call from a teacher and rearranging carpool for next week. Before she knows it its 11pm, and she falls into bed, unable to move a limb. Her last thought before falling asleep is “I wish I had more time”
Her last thought before falling asleep is “I wish I had more to do with my time”.

orphaned

2011-01-31T08:57:00.001-08:00

Although it’s always sad when a parent passes away, leaving children behind, I always felt a special sadness when I heard of an older single losing a parent. If the parent left behind children that were under 18 for example, it’s understandable that the parent would not be present in so many future events. But when a 26 or 34 year old loses a parent its painful that they miss out on what should have taken place years before. And unfortunately the cases of this happening kept increasing. stories I heard or singles I knew. Until it was me. And here I am trying to make sense of it all. All those years of being told “don’t worry you will get married” and now knowing that if I do it will be without my mother at my side. And that is just a senseless tragedy in my mind.

train ride

2011-01-10T07:12:00.001-08:00

Mrs schwartz sits and reads her book, enjoying the quiet of her four small children. She cant remember the last time they got along so well. As the train twists and turns they each stare out the window watching the scenery fly by. From time to time there is a bump and they shift in their seats. Its mostly quiet as each one takes in the excitement of the locomotion. It moves so fast they feel like they are flying. From time to time one child softly taps another to point out something interesting seen out the window. And like dominos the action is passed on, each child nudging the next to show them in turn. As new passengers get on the children take them in, noticing the small details of their clothing and their mannerisms. It is their first time on a train, their first trip away from home and everything seems new and exciting. Suddenly the train makes a quick sharp turn and one by one the children all fall to the left, each falling on top of the other. “get off me” yells the one on the bottom. “I cant, shes on me” yells the next. “he’s hurting me” “he kicked me”… And suddenly the quiet is gone. And in its place are 4 bickering children. No longer remembering what caused them to be pushed, no longer hushed by the newness of the event, they move on to other more familiar arguments. And with a sad smile mrs Schwartz slowly closes her book and is grateful for the few minutes of silence that she enjoyed.

his 2 wives

2011-01-04T09:30:00.001-08:00

Leah tenderly picks tomatoes, trying to make herself care. After finally placing 5 in the bag she moves on to the cucumbers. Normally the vibrant colors of the vegetables are enough to make her feel healthy and joyous. But ever since his passing life just seems black and white. Even colorful objects have lost their luster. So she moves along numbly gathering the makings of a salad, so she can go home and make believe along with her children, that life still matters. She feels someone standing next to her and looks up to see Her. His first wife. In the past she always felt a smugness when she saw her. A little burst of pride, as if she won. But now she doesn’t know what to feel. None of it really matters anymore. Chava approaches the vegetable aisle pushing her heavy wagon, while her two small children pull on her dress. She doesn’t notice leah standing there until she is right next to her. So many emotions pass through her mind. But none of them seem to linger for long. Except for one. Sympathy. no matter what transpired in the past she cant help but feel bad for this woman who has lost her husband. And as leah looks up she offers her a smile. And leah smiles back. And each continue on with their day.

the dentist office

2010-12-29T14:14:00.000-08:00

She walked in to the room with an air of confidence. She too appeared to be in her mid twenties but seemed to be everything I felt I was not. She was carrying a handbag indicative of a professional. Her outfit was modest yet showed an artistic inner being. Her hair was perfectly blown, side bangs feathered back to perfection. She annoyed me to the core. Here I was in agony and she had the audacity to have it altogether! In contrast, I had just thrown on a long skirt with a sweatshirt, slipped my hair in a pony tail and prayed not to meet anyone I knew. And if I did, too bad. I had a toothache. She approached the busy receptionist and signed her name on the clipboard. I prayed she’d sit on the other side of the room but no, of course not. On a day like this, when everything already seemed to be going wrong, little miss perfect had to sit down right next to me. I knew her type well. Choir head in high school, top seminary graduate and after the quick route through college landed the perfect job. And of course had her pick of perfect boys to go out with. And then to make matters worse, she had to smile at me. She couldn’t just be pretty, she had to be friendly too??? Smile back I ordered myself. And before I could help it I found myself turning and introducing myself, and then asking her her name. I expected a quick easy response but to my horror I watched as she struggled to get the words out. A stutterer. Who would have guessed. Something inside me softened. Perhaps it didn’t all come to her so easily either.

tzedaka

2010-12-14T20:46:00.001-08:00

A friend and I occasionally meet for lunch. As in all kosher restaruants it is inevitable that someone will come over to collect money. I have made it my policy to always give a dollar. I don’t really care whether they need it badly or not, that dollar will make no difference in my lifestyle and if they are asking its worth it to give. I also believe that by virtue of giving regularly it makes you a giving person and aware of others suffering. Early on in my outings with this friend she told me that as a rule she does not give. While I disagree with her stance I do not argue as she is allowed her opinion as I have mine. But last week we went for pizza and sure enough an elderly woman came over asking for money. My friend reached into her pocket and gave a quarter and I gave my customary dollar. After showering us with brachos worth much more than the money given, my friend commented that she is not sure why she chose to give this time when she normally does not. And the question that remains in my mind is how do you consider a quarter giving enough to make you question your motives? I am not saying that its not worthwhile to give a quarter, every bit helps. But don’t make a big deal out of 25 cents while eating your $10 salad.

chanuka musings

2010-12-08T19:35:00.000-08:00

Chanuka is almost over and still I am reflecting on the story. The Greeks were known to celebrate the body. Beauty and strength were considered the most admirable traits. Gymnasiums were the creation and pride of the Greeks. As a child learning this in school it was laughable. Why would someone care so much about these attributes. Yet as an adult I see our own culture mimicking that of the Greeks. Women are chosen for their beauty and shape. It is considered an ultimate accomplishment to spend hours at the gym. New jewish running networks are cropping up and organizations are using marathons and cycling events as fundraisers. i have a hard time making peace with what appears to me to be such diverse tendencies. To live a torah life may mean to take care of the body and appear to others as a regal image of God but it does not mean making a life of physicality. When look become the ultimate goal, they get in the way of being oved Hashem properly. The skirts get shorter and tighter, other things fall to the wayside. And sooner or later we are living like the Greeks. Ki archa lanu hayeshua- we are waiting so damn long. Let’s not get further entrenched in the galus. Let’s make our creator proud so he can finally put an end to all our suffering.

chanukah

2010-12-05T17:44:00.001-08:00

While out to lunch with a friend last week she mentioned that a certain single guy told her that Chanukah is a depressing yomtov for singles. I laughed it off. Simchas torah, I can hear- all your friends dancing with their kids while you look on. Pesach, its hard to believe you are spending another pesach seder at the parents still single. Rosh Hashana means another year has gone by without the hoped for changes. But Chanukah? I didn’t buy it. Its not a very intrusive holiday. You go to work as usual and when you get home you light some candles. Not much room for depression I said.
And then the first night of Chanukah came. I pulled up to my house just as all the neighbors were gathering around their windows, lighting menorahs with their small children. I sat in the car watching, envious of them all And then I went inside to light my candles alone.

rosh hashana thoughts

2010-09-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

Just spoke to a friend, reminiscing about this time last year. Over last succos I got to meet the guy she was seriously dating. Now, a year later she is very pregnant. (Yes, I know you are either pregnant or not, no varying levels). She commented on how much has changed in one year. And while I outwardly agreed with her internally I was focused on how much has stayed the same for me. In one year that she has gone from being single to engaged to married and now nearing the birth of her child I have remained single. Dateless and hopeless. And while I can be grateful for all the good in my life I can also take this time to wallow in self pity. For a year gone by without a date, without a chance, without feeling any closer to my goal.

picky? or realistic?

2010-09-02T08:49:00.000-07:00

I was recently called by a stranger and set up with a guy. Although he gave me references to check with (all happened to be his own relatives) I decided not to use them and instead began asking around. I asked many singles, I asked people from his neighborhood. I had people asking people. But no-one had heard of him. Meanwhile upon hearing this story a friend took it upon herself to do the research herself. She began calling the references and reported back with nice information. Still I was hesitant. Why doesn’t anyone know him? He is in a service industry, people can know him that way. Girls who date anyone and everyone didn’t know him. I was bothered. The shadchan called again and upon my telling him my reservations he responded, “well he’s not mordechai ben david!”. This saga continued. My friend called me a few nights ago and said I hear hes a real mentch. What more do you want? This is the point where I can hear the tone – “oh she’s so picky”. I said I want common ground. I want someone who knows me to say yes, this is worth a shot. She decided on her own that she would speak to him directly. Late last night I received a text “just had a phone date with so and so. Hes not for you”. He may be nice he may be well liked but some things are just not evident until you speak to the person directly. Its not being picky. Its being realistic.

what now?

2010-08-30T19:29:00.001-07:00

As frum from birth girls we are raised to serve a better purpose. Everything we do is for the ultimate purpose of serving God. We learn this as children and know that as adults we will do so by supporting our husbands and sons in their learning and help raise the next generation of righteous jews. Yet as we reached our twenties and then thirties for many of us this future never evolved into the present. No husband to send out to his chavrusa, no children to say modeh ani with. Initially we found other ways to serve our creator- chesed and tefila became our methods and we convinced ourselves that this was our role. Yet years into this we find that it is not enough. Sure we are still living as torah Jews but feel there must be more. God could not have sent us here just to wait it out. We are supposed to pass it on, leave a legacy. And more and more single girls seem to be questioning… what now?

expectations

2010-08-29T13:45:00.000-07:00

One of the things that frustrates me most about the frum people is their expectation of how life will turn out. Though we claim everything is up to Hashem, we still expect He will do what makes sense to us. Walking with 2 women on shabbos one exclaimed to the other "you’ll probably make a chassunah soon". Yes, there is a good chance that this 19 year old beauty in discussion will be indeed be married within months. But there is always the hopefully slim chance that she will not be. This also comes up when working with a wedding party. Many times comments are made concerning who’s next, in reference to those still years away from dating. They take age order into account and if a brother is only a couple of years older than the girl it is assumed she will go before him, but possibly the same year. When these comments are made I pray that they not have to learn the hard way that life does not always turn out the way we assume it will.

vacationless

2010-07-25T21:31:00.001-07:00

When in my early 20’s I was a big traveller, flying from country to country, city to city. My friends, newly married were struggling with their finances and schedules and looked on enviously. Somehow now the tables have turned. My friends have established familes, and moved up in their careers. They are now able to leave the kids for a few nights or take them along, creating family memories. And for me, there is noone with whom to go. So now it is me, looking on whistfully while they show pictures of beautiful scenic vacations.

moms and their misplaced values

2010-07-04T08:20:00.000-07:00

I recently helped out the mother of a large family who was undergoing some medical issues. I cooked her delicious yet simple meals, sharing the recipes and shortcuts for her to use when life returns to normal. Yet each time I shared an inexpensive quick method she’d respond by brainstorming how to add to this and make it an impressive meal. Which it already was.
I used to look at the haggard moms on the street and feel bad for the stress they are under by sheer volume of children. Many “ultra-orthodox” women have many kids and it is nearly impossible to care for them all without losing control. But what I learned from this situation is that much of the pressures they endure they are placing upon themselves. It is a mothers responsibility to make sure their children are well fed at the end of the day. It is not their responsibility to provide a 5 course meal, or to provide respectful meals each time a neighborhood mom has a child. Baked goods do not need to be home baked, children would prefer a calm mom and a box of store bought cookies. It is time for the mothers out there to reevaluate their priorities.

cell phones

2010-04-12T05:42:00.000-07:00

Dear friend
We recently spent what should have been a nice day together. Fun activity, nice dinner out. But while I was there with you, you were there with someone else. You were texting and emailing all day. When you noticed something comment worthy you’d photograph it on your phone and send it to someone else. Instead of creating new memories with me you were rehashing old ones on your blackberry. Rather than fill me in on the jokes, you communicated them to someone who did not clear their day to spend it with you. Yes, I admit I do sometimes answer a call or text while out with you but it does not take over my day. And once I realized how upset I was getting over your behavior I put my phone away altogether to ensure that my behavior does not match yours.
So please, I beg of you, in this age of technology, where it seems we can be with anyone, anywhere, any time, please don’t use it to push away those who are actually there with you.

makeup

2010-03-29T05:41:00.000-07:00

I just noticed an ad for an upcoming singles event. The ad mentioned a bonus for early female registrants- free makeup and hairstyling. This is yet another way that we shift the focus of singles to looks. We all know that there must be an attraction for a shidduch to work but is that the main thing we are pushing? I myself attended one of the events made by this program and the first woman to get engaged was from the least attractive ones there. She was overweight with frizzy hair and not at all put together. But her now husband of 2 years still went for her. He saw more. Cant everyone else?

questions on life

2010-02-16T16:21:00.001-08:00

My best friend is an exercise addict. I am a chesed addict. She spends her time on the treadmill, I spend mine doing volunteer work. Her day is not complete without running 5 miles. Mine is not fulfilled if I didn’t help someone. Her conversations revolve around her diet and fitness regiment. Mine don’t. Her schedule is made according to when she needs to hit the gym. Mine is made around the appointments of cancer patients. She has a beautiful family with 4 wonderful children. I live alone in solitude.

What Haiti has taught me

2010-01-21T17:25:00.000-08:00

The recent earthquake in Haiti has taught me that mankind is still good. While many weep over the poor state of social affairs and how society has become out of control, I noticed the outreach that was immediate after Haiti. Driving home I just heard of a telethon taking place with many celebrities giving of their time to raise money for those affected by the quake. Stores have signs hanging with instructions on how to donate. Radio stations are running fundraisers in order to send goods. And all this was done immediately after hearing the news. Similar events were held following Katrina and it seems like the world learned from that. This time it took less planning and the efforts were almost automatic. And now I see that beneath the hard clothing and the i-pods and blackberries, people are still good and caring, hoping to help one in need.

I'm thinking .........

2010-01-17T20:29:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking of the cold and hungry
While I lay warm and content in my bed
I am thinking of how I could feel lacking
But today I feel grateful instead

I'm thinking of the childless couple
As my kids- they scream and yell
I’m thinking of how I yearn for sleep
But should just be glad my children are well

I'm thinking of the terror victims
In Israel they suffer so
I'm thinking of the secure life we have here
We’re so lucky we all should know

I'm thinking of the family
Whose father suddenly passed away
I'm thinking of the sorrow they are enduring
While our families still laugh and play

I'm thinking of the mother
And her son who is so ill
All the treatments he must go through
Appreciate your health, if you will

I'm thinking of the unemployed man
and how he agonized before he spent
i'm thinking of the parnassah I have
and know its heaven sent

i'm thinking of all the tzaros
of klal yisroel far and near
i'm thinking of all the brachos in my life
if I just look, they are right here.

facebook

2010-01-04T20:43:00.000-08:00

I resisted facebook for a while. Finally my friend convinced me to join as a way to see pictures of her children. So I gave in. I know its all fake and meaningless yet I somehow manage to be hurt by it. The friend who convinced me to go on never comments on my status posts yet she will comment on all others including MY real life friends as they update the going ons of their families. I also notice that many use pictures of their children as their profile picture and their status’es are exclusively about the kids. Others will automatically comment or “like” anything child related. So I found myself realizing that as much as in real life I try to convince myself that its not all about having kids, if I were to view facebook as a microcosm of the real world it leaves me once again realizing that if you don’t have kids people have nothing to say to you and you may as well not exist.

reactions

2009-11-17T21:08:00.001-08:00

The alcoholic always goes back
To the drink that makes it all good
The overeater always continues
eating all he could

The druggy will continue
The drugs he will still use
The shopper will use her charge card
To buy just one more pair of shoes

Everyone has their methods
Of how to cope with stress
The thing they always fall back on
When life seems such a mess

For the jew it is much simpler
If you’re trained in younger years
To always turn to your siddur
And drench it with your tears

The practice that you choose
Will continue when you’re old
To help you through the rough times
When the world is feeling cold

It’s important to remember
Change doesn’t happen overnight
We must try and try to train ourselves
It is a constant fight

But soon the day will come
When the answer seems so clear
When we know how to react
To the things we can not bear

When it will seem so natural
To turn to the one above
And instead of temporary relief
He”ll answer us with love

its not over til the fat girl cries

2009-11-05T20:29:00.000-08:00

Her days are filled with chesed
She’s called on in times of need
She visits the sick and lonely
The hungry she does feed

She drives them to their appts
To the hospitals and back
She helps the teens at risk
To get them back on track

The neighbors all know they can call
Any time- morning or night
Her friends are driven to the airport
So they can catch their flight

Her siblings all call on her
When they need her she is there
her nieces phone her in distress
For help with clothing or hair

For everyone around her
Shes the go-to one
For any type of pick me up
Or just to have some fun

Yet when it comes to shidduchim
Here’s what she has found
None of this is important
If you gained an extra pound

You can be the top girl all around
With all the proper stuff
Yet if you are not thin, a perfect size 6
The rest is not enough

life wasted

2009-10-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

I just spent hours in front of the computer, as I do every night. Checking email (still none) watching movies. In short wasting time. But I am not sure what else I am supposed to do with my time. I come home from work with hours to go until bedtime and am not sure how to better spend my nights. I tried signing up for a continuing education class but that ended badly. Turns out that sometimes doing things alone is worse than not doing anything. So I am back to sitting and wasting my life away. One night at a time.

:(

2009-10-08T18:56:00.000-07:00

Haven’t been on a date in months. Haven’t even spoken to a male in months. I know the reality is that it may be a lot longer until that changes. Therefore when someone mentioned to me that she deals with shidduchim I didn’t automatically leap at the chance to discuss my inner feelings with her- my facts along with my likes and dislikes. Especially since I remembered having a similar conversation with her 2 years ago. I know these well meaning women are only trying to help and that they think a “resume” is the answer to everything but I am just too jaded to believe.

yom kippur

2009-09-28T18:37:00.000-07:00

I walked into shul not knowing anyone. My neighbor had promised to tell someone I was coming but I had no expectations. Then, from across the room a woman mouthed- are you ruthies neighbor? Yes, im shani I mouthed back. I’m sarah she replied with a smile. We each went back to davening but within 5 minutes my fantasies had me as a weekly guest at her shabbos table, and her family making my shidduch. A few minutes later there was a break while we waited for maariv to start. I tried catching her eye but couldn’t and finally went back to my davening.

losing friends

2009-09-27T08:36:00.000-07:00

I lost a friend a few years ago. Not sure how or why. One day i was involved in her life, suddenly she had moved away without even letting me know. I found out her number from a mutual friend and left multiple messages. I gave up for a while assuming she was busy but upon hearing she had a baby I left yet another message. At that point I was ready to give up but for some reason I said id give it one more try. This time I actually reached her and had the most distracted phone call. Finally I gave up. I had tried more than enough times and she was clearly not interested. This hurt- I had been with her through more than one hardship in her life, and had spent many a meal at her table. I knew her kids well and had watched them when her parent died and she was sitting shiva. Since then I bumped into her on YT and I kept the conversation short. I heard through another friend that she would call her from time to time, invite her to come for a visit. This was hurtful as I had invested much in this friendship yet I saw I was not the one she took the time to call. I recently met her and was once again civil and then walked away while she and my friend continued to talk. Today, being erev yom kippur I suddenly decided to ask mechila. For what I am not sure. Upon calling she said no, I though you were upset at me. I explained that having tried more than my share to reach out I took a step back. She defended herself with explaining that she had a lot going on at that time. I hung up and burst into tears. Not exactly sure why. But I am tired of friends backing away for long periods of time only to say later they were “busy”. I’ve heard it all- pregnancies, illness in the family, tragedies in the family, moves etc. and I understand that these things take up time. And you might not even want to talk about it. But just call back and say, now is not a good time. And call back when it is.

rant

2009-09-02T20:22:00.000-07:00

Earlier in the summer 3 of my friends went on vacation. Upon hearing of their plans I was hurt that I was not informed or included. I decided to say something to one of them and that clearly changed our friendship. She ignored me for the next week or so after which time we began to once again keep in touch but it was every few weeks or so rather than every few days. I also stopped having any expectations of her and did not initiate any plans.
Tonight this friend emailed and called me to try to make shabbos plans. Although I have options to choose from already I was ready to include her in my plans as I would hate for her to not have where to go. Towards the end of the conversation she mentioned that she had once again gone away with the other friend. This leads me to a couple of questions: a. am I so horrible to spend time with and b.how dare she come to me for plans when I am clearly not wanted in hers?
I am hurt and upset.

singles events- take 2

2009-08-22T21:39:00.000-07:00

Singles events have ruined it for the singles. Whereas before both male and females had to go on formal dates, be on their best behavior, and slowly get to know one another, they are now constantly meeting one another at informal events. Alcohol is served, the atmosphere is relaxed and the singles are becoming more and more comfortable with each other. Gone is the middle-man telling them how to proceed, gone is the nerves of not knowing where the other one stands. Instead what is left is a group of 30+ singles who all “know each other well” yet are not able to date and take that relationship further. Guys are bringing girls their coffee shabbos morning in hotels, yet they are “just friends”. Girls are able to get in touch with loads of men through facebook but have not been on a marriage minded date in months. Men with good reputations in the yeshivish circles have girlfriends for months. Girls are drinking alcoholic beverages and flirting in ways that would scare their parents and former teachers.
Boundaries are being overstepped that never would have happened in the past. Rabbanim give their approval to these events but I wonder if they really know what goes on at them. Men are exposed to modes of dress they may not have seen when only on shidduch dates. This not so tznius look appeals to them and they begin to look at the tznius girls as dowdy and outdated. The single girls realize that they must begin to dress to lure in the guy and they let down their guard. Once their dress has been compromised their behavior is at stake. The stories I have heard of what goes on between singles should be chilling to any frum jew, yet at this point they are no longer shocking. Ten years ago the thought of being ov'er on negiah was unbelievable. Yet today I overhear conversations of singles going to the mikvah. (and those are the ones who are somewhat within the realm of halacha)
As an older single I thank those who are trying to find new solutions to what has been termed the shidduch crisis. Yet I beg of you to stop these events and go back to the old fashioned way of redding shidduchim.

summer bbq

2009-08-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

A friend told me of the bbq she and her husband were going to be making for some friends. I’d invite you she said but I think you’d feel uncomfortable as the only single. I just nodded to end the conversation. In truth her comment was what made me uncomfortable as it made me see that SHE was the one who’d be uncomfortable were i to attend. I have no issue being surrounded by my married peers. My nearest and dearest are married and I love spending time with them. There is no akwardness on my end. The only thing that can make it uncomfortable is the friend who looks at my identity as a single and sees me as nothing more. She can’t see what I’d contribute to her gathering, only what my status in life represents. And for some reason THAT makes HER uncomfortable.

rabbi right?

2009-07-03T05:53:00.001-07:00

As a member of the shidduch CRISIS (love the term!) I am always appreciative of speakers who push for the singles. I listen to many torah tapes in the car and one rabbi in particular is always standing up for the singles. He encourages his audience to set them up and to invite them for shabbos meals. As nice as it is that he is instructing the public on how to act towards these poor nebach souls, I began to wonder how the singles themselves are supposed to behave. Who speaks to us? From where do we get chizzuk and advice? A plan began to form in my head. I mentioned the idea to my friend who in turn mentioned it t the rebetzin of a shul who willingly allowed free usage of her shul. All that was left to do was to call the rabbi himself and ask him to speak to a group of older girls. (I know some prefer to be called women but I just cant stomach the word). Anyway, I kept delaying the call. Somehow my fears of rejection coupled with a fear or the principal left over from my childhood was getting in the way. Then the perfect opportunity came up. I was speaking to a friend/ businessman and when I mentioned the idea he said he would call and lay the groundwork for me. within minutes he was on the phone with the rabbi introducing the idea. Without really waiting to hear more the rabbi said I don’t know that I am the right one for this. My friend countered with- im sure all rabbis have to say that, it’s a humilty thing. However the rabbi kept him on hold for a long time then came back again saying that hes probably not right. He did say to call back on Monday but I have to admit my hopes were dashed. He is actually the perfect one for this. Girls look up to him, and can take hearing it from him. He is involved enough in the social world to truly hear what goes on. This whole thing makes me wonder- is it all political? What if I was calling from a big name organization? Would he be the right one then? If this was being done in a public forum, a convention to be taped and photographed- would he agree then? So as a single constantly faced with rejection I was just rejected one more time.

the phone call

2009-05-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

He started by asking “what are you looking for” the only response I could come up with was a husband (at least I got a laugh out of that). I then turned the question on him and he did not seem to have any opinions other than she needs to wear skirts only and want to cover her hair. Any further religious inquiries were met with I don’t know. Not sure if he was joking or not I decided this was going to be a really fun date or a really wacky one. Upon asking his age I got the response of 52, 60 and finally 65. my only reaction was that you better be rich then . he asked me where we should go and I told him I expect him to decide. We discussed drinking and he mentioned a bar he’d take me to. Again, wasn’t sure how much he was joking

singles at events

2009-05-10T20:15:00.001-07:00

i recently did something i dont do often. i attended a singles shabbaton. i was struck at the confidence (meaning arrogance) of some girls. while most girls have dealt with enough rejection to have a hard time noticing when a guy finally shows interest, some girls seem to have the opposite issue. these girls think everyone is interested. a nice guy saying good shabbos was labelled stalking, a guy leaning in to a conversation in a noisy room was said to have been knocking into her. the response of the girl was of course to snub the offender, who was left with a look of shock, not knowing what he did to deserve her attitude. apparently the only way for some to feel liked is to convince themselves of the fact, whether or not it is true.

sunny days

2009-05-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

spring has finally sprung. as i sat in my apt today i listened to the sounds that nice weather brings. the kids were out playing, the parents watching them began to socialize. good cheer was all around. except... the singles felt the change of weather as another season without change. with no children to watch there seemed no reason to be outdoors. with no partner with whom to socialize the park seemed a depressing place. so i called a friend to come play scrabble. we found our own peace and had a nice day after all

grade school lessons

2009-01-18T13:33:00.000-08:00

When I was in grade school we had a monthly assembly where two awards were given to students from each class. One was for middos and one was for davening. Month after month I aimed for an award, waiting to hear my name announced to the school. Although I was always a fairly well behaved kid, towards the time of the assembly I especially made an effort to appear to concentrate better on my prayers or to behave extra fine. But slowly the months passed as did the years and I never once received the award. It was a simple photocopy pasted on a sheet of colored paper, but I coveted it as if it were of great value.
Fast forward many many years. Somehow I am still bothered by this story. I blame the teachers for not seeing that all kids need to receive that extra attention. I blame the school for thinking they hold the power to decide who has proper middos, who has proper kavana. Yet recently I started to think of this story a little differently. Maybe it was merely preparing me for life. Here I am, older and single. Waiting to be “good enough”. I do chessed, I daven extra, I go to shiurim. And part of me is still waiting for someone to say- you deserve an award. This time I am hoping someone will notice my goodness and have a shidduch for me, a little more valuable than that sheet of paper. But the lesson I have learned is the same as the one in my grade school story. It is not up to others to decide what I deserve, who is doing enough, who is davening correctly. I do what I do because Hashem wants me to. And Hhe is the only One who can properly reward me.

shabbos as a single

2009-01-08T07:28:00.000-08:00

Most people dread Mondays. They are psyching up all week towards the weekend and on Monday their mini vacation must come to an end. For me, and many like me, Thursday is my Monday. It is looked at with dread. For me Thursday has come to mean the last chance to make shabbos plans. As the week moves on the dread gets stronger and stronger. What will I do this shabbos? Where will I be? Where will I be the most comfortable? Or should I just go with the least uncomfortable? Some weeks come easy, invitations come well in advance and they are the ones which seem worth accepting. During other weeks it seems like there will be no plans at all. And sometimes it seems that staying home alone may be the better alternative to accepting invitations.
There are always outsiders offering their opinion (like with everything in life). Their take is usually against staying home citing reasons such as it being depressing. But are they offering another option? The longer I am single and the more weekends that come without plans, the less energy I have to make things right. I’ve been advised against “getting used to it” but at times I see no other choice. I’d rather sit home in my non-shabbos environment than face the degradation involved in calling to self-invite. Of course, these well meaning friends who I self invite to are the ones who “open their homes” and let us all know that we are always welcome and to just let them know when we want to come. At times this works well, but that depends on the friendship, the family situation and if the host has first invited in the traditional way. As a rule I do not call to invite myself over if I have never been there before. But if someone constantly extends invitations then I know they really mean it. I also see a trend that those who only offer open invitations usually have an excuse when i finally call. Is the open invitation just a way for them to assuage their own guilt? does it make them feel giving without having to actually give?
Then there is the question of why they are inviting me. Do they see my need and therefore invite me (which makes me feel pretty pathetic yet I am grateful that at least they do that). Or do they invite me for what I have to offer. Am I wanted for my charming personality or for their guilty conscience? That is the question.

hubby sharing

2009-01-07T06:49:00.001-08:00

Is anyone happy with where they are in life? Singles can’t wait to trade in their “independence” for a joint life. Yet the married women I speak to yearn for some time for themselves, time away. The childless women ache for a baby while my friends who are mothers are overwhelmed by their lot. It seems like we can’t wait to get to the next level in life but when we do we look back at the last one with envy. I appreciate that I do have a certain sense of freedom which my friends may not have but at the same time they have a sense of security that I lack.
I was thinking this over while driving and suddenly the perfect solution came to me. As with many new ideas it is actually regressing. Let’s go back to multiple wives. It satisfies every aspect of these issues. The singles have more opportunities for marriage. By adding the married men to the eligible pool more singles can find their mates. And if the wives viewed these “other wives” as team players rather than competition then their own lives can be simplified by it. Want the benefits of marriage without the constant stresses? Who wouldn’t? Now when one wife needs “time off” the other one can stand in. Take a week off from cooking and cleaning and know that your family is still being taken care of. And even child rearing can be viewed as a shared venture.
Finally! Motherhood is an institution that can offer benefits such as vacation time or leave of absence. And the best part is they will have to hold your position indefinitely.
Be a team player, send your husband on a date!!!

appearances

2009-01-06T12:19:00.000-08:00

While recently attending a kiruv organizations shabbaton I had a hard time digesting the fashion show taking place. Seemingly frum women were prancing around in stilettos and outfits too fancy for a wedding. Who are they trying to impress? And how does this obvious focus on materialism and physicality mesh with a life as a torah jew? Can they really coexist? When married women have to try so hard- constantly changing outfits and always “being on”, I cant imagine who its being done for. If its for the sake of their spouse then one look should be enough to please him. He knows what is in her closet, he doesn’t need to see it all on her over the course of one weekend. And I cant imagine its for the other women there- they are too focused on their own appearance to really care what anyone else is wearing. Maybe its for the husbands friends- let them see what a trophy he married. And if its really being done for themselves, I pity them for needing to always appear perfect to bolster their self esteem. While I believe a bas yisreol should always present herself as such I think there are limits. A nice appearance says I care. An overdone appearance says I care too much. In a world of economic turmoil flaunting your purchases seems wrong.

lost a friend

2009-01-05T14:32:00.000-08:00

I lost my best friend to technology. We spoke daily for the past ten years or so. Then came facebook. Suddenly she was able to go online and have “friends” that she can keep up with by just posting a sentence here and there. People she hadn’t seen or heard about in years were suddenly being talked about in conversation though in truth still not one word had been uttered between them. Friends of mine were now friends of hers. As I am not on facebook I still received phone calls, yet not as often as before. Then came the killer. My friend got a new phone. A blackberry, with a full keyboard. Now she could be in touch with anyone, even me, without ever speaking a word. And so, I now receive a text which is supposed to sum up an entire day or a “wazzup” meant to convey “im thinking of you”. Yet I remain of the old school of thought. If you are thinking of me, talk to me. make an effort. Show me that you care. The written word is worth a lot but cant take the place of a real live conversation.

weight

2009-01-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

I went out for lunch recently with 3 friends. After a very satisfying meal we picked up pastries from the bakery and headed to my house to eat them while playing a game. It was during the game that I looked around me at all these thin girls with the realization that they all just ate the same amount as I did. Yet they all had the bodies considered ideal while I, lets just say, don’t. They are able to eat without a thought, they don’t exercise and while I try to make wise food choices and exercise religiously, I will never be as thin as they are. Which made me think… why am I expected to work to look like their body type? They are built one way, I another. Why is theirs considered superior? Why are men allowed to expect me to look this way? Why do I feel guilty when I eat what they eat freely? I try to stay within a healthy range, and exercise to keep my heart pumping but more than that is just getting caught up with what society has dictated to be right. If my body is unable to process foods in the same manner as theirs why am I looked on as if I did something wrong? I hate that we have all become so weight conscious and that at times I still allow myself to get swept up in the madness. But my daily struggle at this point is not to cut down on high calorie foods but rather to stop caring about its effects.